I found myself sitting on the front porch last evening, watching & listening to the boys play, and feeling completely at peace for the first time in as long as I can remember.
My divorce was final on Monday, the 8th of April. It was also our 10 year wedding anniversary that day. Oh, the irony...
As I sat there, feeling calm and sure, I realized that I have made it through the storm. It's finally over. I sacrificed the quantity of time that I have with my boys for the quality of our lives.
When Steve & I were together, every single day was some sort of struggle or drama. There was always a reason to argue. That's not there anymore and that is a peaceful feeling.
So, I focus on the quality of the time I do have with the boys. It's certainly not the ideal amount of time, our custody arrangement is about a 60/40 split, and ideally I would like to be able to be with them 100% of the time. That would be everyone's ideal, though. Life just doesn't always work out the way we had planned.
Sometimes, though, the way it does work out is still the best for everyone involved. I am a better parent, a better person, a better me, as a single parent. I am much happier, so very much happier.
The boys seem happy, now, too, for the most part. They miss me when they are with their Dad and they miss him when they are with me, but that's to be expected.
Cadan expresses the most disappointment with the situation. When I told him that the divorce was over, he mad a sad face and walked away. He pretty much refuses to talk to me about it. I wish I could do something to make it better for him, but I don't think that there is anything more I can do that I haven't already done. I assure him that his Dad & I both love him very much and that we both want to be with him & his brothers very much. The thing is that I really don't know what goes on in their lives when they are with their Dad. The boys flat refuse to talk about anything that goes on with their Dad. I hope that he is as reassuring as I am. I cannot do anything about what he does, so I have to let that go and just keeping doing what I know to be the right thing.
This is the only part where I still struggle. I know it's just the way it is and there isn't much that can be done about it. I guess I could have pushed for Steve to have less time with them, but they love him very much and I know he loves them. On the long weekends when I have them, and they go 5 days without seeing him, I know they miss him. They tell me so. THAT is the reason that I settled on the custody agreement that we have, I feel that it's in the best interest of the boys. I don't want them to have to miss their Dad. I certainly didn't want them to only see him every other weekend or once a week and every other weekend. That doesn't seem often enough for us. Every situation is different.
Finally I have the peace that I was seeking all along. I had to give a lot to get it. I am so grateful for what I do have now. It may not be the quantity of time that I wanted with my boys, but the quality of our lives is so much greater now that it's worth the sacrifice. I just have to remember that.
