Family - Redefined

Our family is going through a restructuring right now. Well, that's a nice way to put it, anyway.

Divorce.

It's so common it's not really that shocking, unless it's happening to you.

Steve & I have have now been separated since October 1st, save for 10 days in which I thought I could and would do anything necessary to keep my family together. Those were probably some of the worst 10 days of my life.

Obviously, I wasn't able to do all the things necessary to keep my marriage together. There was just no way around it... It was over and done with, and there was absolutely no way to reconcile.

So, it's been 6, almost 7 months now since we separated. I filed for divorce on November 21st. It has gotten pretty nasty, there are Orders of Protection on both sides.

We have a crazy visitation schedule... one week he has the boys from 4:30 pm to 8:30 pm on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, then it's my weekend to have them, the next week he has them from 4:30 to 8:30 on Tuesday and Thursday, and then it's his weekend. Steve & I agreed to this schedule back when things were amicable, and my thought was that Corbin, being only 3 years old, shouldn't go more than 3, or at most 4, days between seeing either parent. I had read some research showing that however old the child is, they should go no longer than that between seeing either parent.

This has turned out to be very difficult on my two oldest, Connor, who is in kindergarten, and Cadan, who is in second grade. They have complained about all the back and fourth, and I have tried to propose an alternate schedule, but Steve refuses to listen. I want to change the schedule to him having them every Wednesday from 4:30 pm to 8:30 pm, every Friday night, save for the 4 times per year that there are 5 week in a month, I would get them back at 2 pm on Saturday on my weekends, and he would just keep them until 6 pm on Sunday on his weekends. I feel like that is a more reasonable schedule for the children, and I think Steve knows that it's reasonable, but I think he is just being stubborn and difficult.

So, now my family is completely redefined. My boys have 2 homes, and 2 sets of rules. My dream of the perfect family is shattered. I really thought that if we could make it through the aftermath of Steve's motorcycle accident, we could make it through anything. Oh, but I was SO wrong. In all honestly, my heart is shattered. It breaks a little more everyday, but also heals as I grow stronger and healthier. This is NOT what I wanted for me and Steve and the boys, but as it turns out, I had no other choice.

Finally, and I want to be very clear here... I am writing this carefully as to NOT assign blame on either side. The details as to what ended it all are ugly and I am not willing to share those with the world. Steve & I both made mistakes, and sometimes, you just cannot turn back. This time we couldn't. Now we have lawyers and judges to work it out. Which is also heartbreaking, in and of itself.

So, now comes the hard part, the journey through the justice system. Steve & I butt heads about every single thing. With the Orders of Protection, we are not supposed to even speak to each other. How can we possibly co-parent without speaking? Unfortunately, we really can't. The wheels of justice move slowly, even when the well-being of children is involved. We have been to mediation, and it was a colossal fail. We begin depositions next week. Our third hearing to set child support is also next week. I have yet to receive child support, although he did give me $40 about 6 weeks ago, and $35 when he left. Steve's position is that I should be working full time to support the boys and he should just support them when he has them for visitation. My position is that I was a stay at home Mom for about a year before we split up, we had agreed as a family that I would be a stay at home Mom. I believe he needs to continue to support his children.

So... I continue to make it day by day. I have found some wonderful support from places I would have never imagined, which is HOW I make it day by day. Redefining your entire life is hard work, but it has to be done for my 4 boys.

Grocery Shopping and Brotherly Love

Happy Daylight Savings time! I am happy to see this sure sign of Spring just around the corner. I love Spring. It's a time of renewal, of faith, of commitment.

In an effort to change the focus of my blog, and record some of the sweet, happy memories, I want to tell y'all about a sweet moment with Cadan yesterday. Yes, it is very long winded, I like writing and telling stories, especially about my boys, there is a point... I promise.

So, a sweet, loving moment between two brothers...

I took Cadan, Connor, & Carson to their cousins birthday party yesterday afternoon. Corbin stayed home with Steve because they both have a nasty stomach bug that we didn't want to share. I cut the party a little short, because I needed to pick up a few things from the grocery store and I didn't want to be gone too long because Steve wasn't feeling that great. Now, we almost always go to Walmart for grocery shopping, but since I only needed a few things, I decided it would be quicker to go to Food Lion, our only other real choice in town.

As soon as we walked up to the store, the boys spotted the car cart, the one where two kids can ride in a car attached to the front of a buggy. Against my better judgement, I let them get the car cart. I knew it would be a hassle and it is a nightmare to try to push a 10 foot long cart around the store. Almost immediately the bickering began about who would go first and so on. I threatened to park the car cart and get a regular old cart, so they worked out their seating arrangements pretty quickly. We started in the produce department, and I was asking them what fruits and veggies they wanted. Of course with three little boys wanting everything in the store, my few things quickly multiplied as they asked for any and everything in sight. I had to tune them out a bit to try to concentrate on getting the things I needed to get. Before I knew what was going on, they were playing cops and robbers, Cadan was hiding around the corner as we turned the big giant car cart and Connor & Carson were pretending to shoot him, and they were starting to get a bit loud. I told them to quiet down and they settled a little bit, at least to a tolerable level. A few minutes after that I noticed that Connor was crying from inside the car, and Cadan & Carson were putting their butts in his face and happily singing "My butt's in your face!" I am pretty good at tuning them out, and grocery shopping takes some concentration for me, so I think their butts in the face game attracted other customers attention before it got mine, people were definitely looking. I scolded them as harshly as I could in a quiet voice, I was already a little embarrassed and I didn't want to draw more attention our way. The gig was up, though, and we had to get out of there as quickly as we could. I don't do well with them behaving badly in public, it makes me a bit crazy.

We finally made it to the checkout line, and our car cart was overflowing. I made Connor & Carson stay in the car so that I could better manage them and the the 50 other things going on,while Cadan & I unloaded the groceries for checkout. My little grocery trip for a few things ended up being more than $250! The bag boy couldn't fit all of my stuff into one cart, so I ended up having 2 to get out to the truck! I told Cadan to push one of the carts, the lighter one, and asked Connor & Carson to follow close behind me. I turned to make sure they were all following behind when I realized that Connor had stopped just a few feet past the checkout, pouting and stomping because we had to put the car cart away. I finally got him moving again when Cadan ran his cart into a display and got stuck. Before I could turn around and get back to him, a nice lady helped him get his cart free.

It was not at all the quick and easy trip to the grocery store that I had in mind when we stopped. I really couldn't believe how they acted.

While I unloaded the carts, I wondered what I should do to punish them for acting like little goons. Once I got into the truck, I asked them how they thought they acted. Cadan & Connor both dropped their heads, acknowledging that they didn't behave, but Carson insisted that he had behaved just fine. Mostly out of frustration, I told them that they were going to each get a spanking when we got home. I know that's not really a logical consequence, but it was the best I could come up with at the time. I was all out of patience.

On the way home, we talked about the way things went down in the store. They all said that they were sorry for the way they acted, and agreed that their behavior was unacceptable, which I appreciated. Of course next, they asked me not to give them a spanking. Now, I feel like I need to say here that spankings are very rare occurrences in our house. There is the occasional swat on the backside, but a real spanking almost never happens. I decided to offer a compromise since I hate spanking them every bit as much as they hate being spanked, and I really don't think that spanking them is all that productive. So I suggested that they could make it up to me by doing me a favor and carrying in the groceries. They took me up on it in a hurry, with only a bit of complaining coming from Carson.

We talked about the logistics of three little boys taking in so many groceries as we rode. I suggested that they each just take a couple of bags at a time. They were still concerned about the heavy bags and the gallons of milk, though. Cadan finally just asked if I would help them with some of the heavy stuff, and I told him that I would, even though that wasn't really the deal. It was a lot of groceries for the little guys to carry and, well, he asked so nicely. Steve says that I am just a softie, and I guess I am, I just don't like to turn them down when they ask for my help, even if it's a chore for misbehaving.

Now, Carson isn't a very good helper right now, I am hoping it's just a phase, he just doesn't want to put away toys or clothes or his cup or anything at all really, so getting him to actually help carry in the groceries was going to be a feat in itself. Well, just a few miles before we got home, Carson got really quiet, and I looked back to see fluttering eyelids. I tried to rouse him, but he was just so sleepy, and he was asleep in no time at all.

Once we pulled into the driveway, I said jokingly to Cadan & Connor, with a big silly grin on my face, that Carson wasn't going to help since he fell asleep, so he would have to get a spanking. Cadan looked at me so sincerely, and then he lovingly fluffed Carson's head full of crazy curls, and said, "Mama, don't spank Carsie, I will carry in his part."

That's it right there!! That's exactly it!! That is one of THE moments!!

Those moments are the reason that I love being a Mom to these boys. Those moments when I can see that, even if they choose to act up at the grocery store, and even if they don't seem to listen all the time or even any of the time, what we are saying to them is getting through, we are actually teaching them how to be kind, loving people. Steve & I are molding these little people to some day be big people, and somehow, by the Grace of God, we are doing a good job. These boys of mine are good boys, awesome, special, amazing, loving, happy boys.

The love that the boys show one another amazes me every single day. I hope I can always remember the look in Cadan's eyes as he stood up for his little brother, I hope I can always remember the way he patted Carson's curly head so sweetly, and openly showed his affection. I hope that the boys always remember how much they love each other, too. It is very, very important to me that the boys grow up and stay close to one another, I really want them to share a strong bond. I am sure that there will be circumstances as they get older that will cause friction between them, I just hope that Steve & I are able to instill the importance of family in them so that they can work through the kinks in their relationships. I know I cannot control how it turns out, but for now I can steer them in the right direction.

With one small gesture, Cadan wiped away all the frustrations I had from the trip to the grocery store. We all worked together to bring in and put away the groceries. It took a bit of prompting, but Carson pitched in, too. Steve brought their little red wagons out of the garage so that they wouldn't have to make so many trips.

My sweet boys make my day every single day. I am so very blessed.

Changing Focus - Sam's 4 Boys

Well, I certainly have not been keeping up with my blog. I am having a really hard time finding a place to begin again, a way to get reacquainted with my own words and thoughts. My goals have changed since I started this blog and my life has changed tremendously, all of our lives have changed. All of us have grown in different ways, we have all healed some of the wounds that were so fresh when I started this blog. The boys are certainly older and bigger, and hopefully, Steve and I are not only older, but smarter, too.

I have started many posts since my last one in October of last year, but I just haven't been able to finish them. I began this blog to recount a very painful time in our lives, a time when I was still reeling from the aftermath of Steve's accident. I needed to put the pain into words so that I could process exactly what I was feeling. Now I want to change gears.

What I want to do, what I need to do, is document the good times, too, and the mundane day-to-day life that we get to enjoy now, the ordinary that I so craved back then. I want my boys to read this blog someday when they are all grown up or even as they are growing up, and know that I truly enjoy them. I want them to be able to read my words, and maybe gain some wisdom and insight into what it is like to be their mother, to be a parent, to be a grown up, to be me. I want these words to be of some value to my sweet boys.

So, here's to a change of pace for Sam's 4 Boys...

It's been a full 6 months now since I have posted, and there is just no way to catch up. It's amazing the things that change in 6 months, and too, the things that stay the same.

My last post was about wanting my bed back, moving Corbin into the bed with his brothers. Well, that certainly has NOT happened, and that's ok by me. Corby is my last baby boy, and I want to enjoy these fleeting moments of babyhood. No one but me would consider him a baby at all. He's 2 1/2 now, he's starting to show interest in potty training, he's talking and telling me what he wants, he is trying his best to keep up with his big brothers, and doing a pretty good job at it, too. There is almost no denying that there is hardly any babyhood left. So, as much as it would be nice to sleep without toenails scraping my back, and waking up to "Be-be, Mama, be-be!" I cherish those last sleepy moments, when he snuggles up close, and his baby eyes flicker fighting the impending sleep. There is a sweetness to sleeping with your babies, a sweetness that I am going to miss when I finally do get my bed back.

I won't try to fool anyone into thinking that my Big Boys never sleep with me either, even now. Last Saturday night, the night before Connor & Carson's birthday party, Connor asked if he could sleep with me since the next day was his birthday party day. How could I say no to that? So, Corbin slept on the couch with his Daddy, and me and my Big Boys piled into my bed. Carson on one side, me on the other, with Connor in the middle, and Cadan at the foot of the bed, stretched all the way across. We watched cartoons and talked about the big day ahead, Con & Cars were so very excited about their birthday party. I woke up sore all over, but my heart felt so full and happy.

Piling up with the three Big Boys in my bedroom reminded me of the months before Steve's accident, when I was pregnant with Corbin. We had my queen size bed and a toddler bed in my bedroom back then. Steve was working nights, so it was just me and the boys at bedtime. Cadan was 3 years old, almost 4, Connor was just over 2 years old, and Carson was just over 1 year old. I didn't feel secure with them sleeping down the hall in another room, I wanted them as near to me as they could be. One of them would get put into the toddler bed, usually whoever fell asleep first, but by the time morning came along, we would all 4 be back in my bed, snuggled up every which way. Steve was usually stuck with the couch. Those were some of the happiest times I can ever remember.

These happy memories are the ones that I tend to tuck away in my mind, and unfortunately, I sometimes forget that they are there as I plod through another day, another week, and on and on. That is why I need to commit myself to writing some of them down, so that I can remember all over again, and so my boys can share in these cherished memories.

I Want my Bed Back

Ahhh...

Corbin is sleeping soundly in my bed. The one and only place that he will sleep soundly. Every night, it's the same routine. I get him to sleep in my bed. He falls fast asleep. I wait a while, watch some TV, play around on the Internet, whatever. When I am finally ready to go to bed, I pick him up and carry him to his brother's bedroom, and quietly and quickly put him into bed snug between 2 big brothers.

Ahhh...

Then I settle into my comfy bed, done with parenting for the night, or so I think (wish). As soon as I hit that place where I am finally going into a restful sleep, I hear it.

"Mama."

I think to myself, ok, he will find his bebe and go back to sleep. I close my eyes even tighter. Hoping, praying that he will just stay in bed with his brothers. I just need one night with no one touching me, no toenails scraping my back, or little feet sticking up my shirt. Just on night, come on Corby, you can do it, I silently chant with my eyes tightly closed.

"MAMA. BEBE!"

Ya, that's not going to happen. Well, ok, he will come to me. I am all of 20 foot down the hall. I can stay in my comfortable spot that took 15 minutes to find, and he will come to me.

"Mama. MAMA. Bebe. BEBE!"

So, now I have a choice. Let him be, he can come to me, he can find his bebe or drag myself out of this very comfortable spot and carry my 35 pound 2 year old toddler back to bed. Decisions, decisions? How badly to I want to stay comfortable? How badly do I want the other boys to stay asleep? I REALLY want everyone else to stay asleep, so I relent, go to his brother's room, dig around in the bed and find the bebe, and carefully carry Corby back to my bed, toenails and all.

My 4 Boys

The boys are growing up too fast.

Corbin just turned two, and so far it's not terrible at all. He's actually a little sweeter, if that's even possible. His hair has grown out so now he has curls, like Cadan & Carson, but Corbin's are a bit wilder. That's just Corby, though, a bit wilder than the rest.

Connor started pre k this year and is doing great. He loves it, and he has the same teacher that Cadan had for pre k. Connor has this wonderful little personality... He loves everyone and everyone loves him. He adores his brothers, but his Daddy most of all.

Cadan is in first grade now. Wow... How did that happen? He's reading, and he writes pretty well. I had no idea how much homework a first grader would have.

Carson is 3 1/2 now... and he's just so precious. He still takes his bebe, although I know we are getting to the time that I have to take that thing away. We had a mini crisis tonight when we couldn't find it. Steve found one somewhere. Poor guy just cried when we couldn't find it. I told it was time that bebe went away, and that just broke his little heart. I held him while he cried and cried. I hate having to wipe away those baby tears.

It's Been a While

Hello, hello!

Yes, I have wimped out and not kept up with my blog. *sigh* You know how raising 4 boys and working full time will suck up all your time, or the good majority of it anyway.

So...

I feel like I am out a crossroads in my life. I feel like I need to shed this skin I wear and find a new one. Not so much on the family front, but most certainly on the career front.

I work for a HUGE corporate giant. I feel like I will never be anything but a peon here. It's exhausting to try to reach these standards that are not at all attainable. It's not just me either, my peers cannot reach these goals either.

I have a decision to make. Do I leave this job I despise? We have the savings to be comfortable for quite a while until I could secure a new job. I should be pretty marketable. I have been at my current job for almost 6 years.

I know that in this economy I should be grateful for what I have, but damn. Just damn. This place is a pit. Yes, it's a nice office. There is no manual labor. I feel as if I am wasting my brain power, certain talents that I have, I am wasting here. What talents do I have besides making babies? There are many more.

I will get back to this.

And no, I won't be leaving soon. I can't. Steve won't let me.

Tired...

I really need to go to bed, I really do.

I get up at 5 am all week, and get home about 4 pm. It's a long day.

It seems as if I work two jobs, wear 2 hats, so to speak.

My commute home being my break from working outside the home to working at home. It's all very tiring.

Then again, I feel I have no room to complain. I have a nice job in a nice office. I have a great little family, with 4 (mostly) healthy kids, and a wonderful husband. I complain anyway.

How do I possibly balance this? The house is always a mess. Sometimes, I barely hang on at work, struggling just to concentrate enough to make it through the day. We don't eat well. The kids get junk food much more than I would like, we eat lots of frozen stuff.

I want to figure out how to establish a routine that will work in this busy life. Any suggestions?