Tired...

I really need to go to bed, I really do.

I get up at 5 am all week, and get home about 4 pm. It's a long day.

It seems as if I work two jobs, wear 2 hats, so to speak.

My commute home being my break from working outside the home to working at home. It's all very tiring.

Then again, I feel I have no room to complain. I have a nice job in a nice office. I have a great little family, with 4 (mostly) healthy kids, and a wonderful husband. I complain anyway.

How do I possibly balance this? The house is always a mess. Sometimes, I barely hang on at work, struggling just to concentrate enough to make it through the day. We don't eat well. The kids get junk food much more than I would like, we eat lots of frozen stuff.

I want to figure out how to establish a routine that will work in this busy life. Any suggestions?

My thoughts on my blog

I love blogging. I usually just write about whatever strikes me at the moment. I am not sure I have very many readers, and that's just fine with me. I like having this out here for my own reading sometimes. It reminds me of all the blessings I have.

I remember when I started this blog in June 2008. It was a theraputic experience for me. I was writing about my husband's accident. I remember the keyboard being wet from the tears I shed as I wrote those first posts describing the accident and the aftermath.

I also remember just a few short weeks ago when I posted about Steve being normal once again. That felt like the end of a book, more likely the end of a chapter. I am thankful that I have these words I have written to look back upon when the days are gloomy.

The fight to quit

Sigh.


I have failed at my attempt to quit smoking. I am so disappointed with myself. I was doing just fine until Saturday, I forgot my nicotine patch. Honestly, I was looking for an excuse to fail. I wanted to fail. The truth is that I like to smoke.

Another truth, I like to live.

Yet another, I am overweight and I am scared that not smoking will cause additional weight gain.

So, I feel backed into a corner. I can smoke because I like it, and it's easier, and I am more likely to get various forms of cancer and other nasty diseases. I can quit, and likely gain even more weight, which could lead to diabetes, there is a strong history in my family, which can lead to all kinds of other complications. On the other hand, I could feel better enough to exercise when I am not smoking. It makes me so grouchy not smoking that I just want to sit and grouch and gripe and not do anything productive like exercise.

Ugg! Do you understand the battle here?!?!?!

I certainly wish that when I decided to start this smoking stuff, I had known... Oh, wait, I did know. I was 15 years old and believe me, I knew it ALL. *sarcasm*

I have failed. Time to step it up, put on my patch, and make it through a new smoke free day.

Cadan tells me all the time, "Mom, you need to go to stop.com and log in and just stop."

If only it were that easy.

The Quiet of the Night

I never knew how much I would appreciate bedtime until I had kids of my own. I remember when I was a kid, Mom & Dad would make Donna & I go to bed at 8 pm every single night. I thought that they were mean people at the time. I thought that they just wanted us out of their hair. I was right.

I guess it's not exactly that I want the kids out of my hair at bedtime. There are other good reasons for bedtime. Sleep for example. They needs lots of it to be functioning little humans. I know I need lots to function well, and well, I don't get that much, especially when I let the bedtime routine slip.

So I enjoy a few hours of the quiet of the night, after bedtime. This is the time when I can relax, or not. I can blog, or not. I can lurk at my favorite message board. I love that place. It's my "home" on the net.

I truly believe if not for the prayers sent out from around the world from the friends on my message board, my husband would not be here today. I think that desperate post was the smartest thing that I have ever done. I cried out to anyone who could hear me to please pray. They did. I just wonder how many people were reached, how many cries went out to God that night on our behalf. Certainly, my "home" on the net did not fail me. Those folks held my hand through the darkest days of my life. It was truly amazing the comfort received from virtual strangers. This is not to say that those I know in real life were not equally amazing.

These are the things I think about in the quiet of the night.

I ofter wonder how things would have turned out had I chose not to post "Prayers desperately needed." Indeed, prayers were desperately needed that night, and they were answered. Those dark days I felt so close to God. I felt His presence. I was guided by Faith. I knew that my husband was going to be here with me to raise our children.

Goodnight.

Back to normal.

He finally looks "normal" again. His smile is back. If he heard me say that he would laugh and say that there is nothing normal about him.

Looking "normal" is not important, though. Not at all. It's the feeling of normal that is important. We have a routine, we eat dinner together. We enjoy each other's company. We are normal. We are a normal family, a normal couple, who had a near miss. We are going to be okay. He is going to be okay. Life is going to be okay. This is a feeling that I missed a lot. In fact, I had no idea how much I missed it until I just felt it. I was just sitting here in the back yard, talking with Steve, watching the kids play, and I looked at him and thought, WOW! It hit me like a ton of bricks, all at once. It's a very nice feeling.

Steve can do almost anything that he could do prior to the accident. Some days are still rough. Sometimes he helps my Dad for a few days. He and I have been working on painting the house. Right now he is under the house working on the plumbing. Jacob, his best friend, is still around, and I am so grateful for that. Most of his friends disappeared after the accident and that really hurt him. Sometimes he still slurs when he is really tired, and his face will still droop occasionally. If you never met him before the accident, you would never know.

He spends much more time with me and the kids, he is funnier and funner than ever. He tells jokes again! He smiles all the time. We talk a lot more, we love a lot better. We are friends again. We are going to make it. Our marriage feels stronger than it ever has. I think that we have survived and we are going to continue to make it.We were finally at a good place when the accident happened. Steve and I have always had a rough marriage, not bad, not great. There were lots of trust issues, and I was finally getting over them. We were getting along, the bills were paid, we started working the same shift the week before the accident. We had big plans. Then it felt like the world crumbled.

This is going to probably sound really selfish, but here goes. I feel like I am over it. The past is what it is, and it is time to go on. We have so many things to be grateful for, beautiful healthy children, birth control, I have a good job. We are healthy. I am getting the help I need for my emotional issues, and I own them now, I don't feel trapped by them. I am ready to start losing some of the 100 pounds I have gained and taking care of myself and my family. I even went and had a hair cut and color the other day. It felt so good, and it's been a LONG time.

So, life feels good again.

Thanks for reading.

The loss of Frankie.

Do you ever lose anyone expectantly? Nope. I don't think so.

We lost a colleague, a good friend, a comedian, this weekend. When I say we, I mean the world. The world has lost out on Frankie. All those who never heard that laugh have missed out. All of those who never saw that spirit that carried him have missed out.

No one should die at 30.

I am so saddened, not only for the lose of Frankie, but for the pain that my friends are in. I haven't actually seen any of them, but their pain is evident in their online postings, their text messages.

One of the things that really strikes me is that Frankie was one of five boys. As a Mom of 4 boys, this touches my heart in a way I cannot explain. I loved to hear Frankie talk about growing up in a family of all boys. He adored his brothers. He could always relate to me when I was having a hard time dealing with my 4 boys. It was truly a blessing to know him.

I wish I could reach out to his mother. Most 30 year old men don't speak about their Mom the way that Frankie did. I remember when she was coming in for a visit a few months ago, he was so worried about mowing the lawn.

I will miss the contagious laughter. The sparkling eyes. The jokes. The man. The friend.

I wish you peace Frankie.

Cadan is about to start Kindergarten

We are getting ready this week. Today we had his 5 year check up. He is 48 pounds and 46 inches tall! He is over the 90th percentile on both metrics! He has weighed basically the same since he was 3 years old, he has just much taller and skinnier.

Tomorrow we will spend our last family day of the year. I plan on just hanging out at home with the boys and doing fun stuff.

Wednesday is the BIG day! We will get him registered and enrolled. Hopefully we will meet his teacher.

Cadan seems to be really looking forward to returning to school. Me, not so much. He is just growing up too fast!

I can remember walking him around the kitchen when he was just a tiny little thing, telling him about the adventures that we would take. I remember how sweet it was to just be in his presence. I would lay him beside me on the couch, when I just wanted to hold him, because I had been warned of spoiling him. I so clearly remember those first little steps across our living room floor. Back then, I couldn't wait for the next milestone. Now, I dread reaching the next.

Watching them grow up is so hard to do. Loving them is so easy.

Up before the Sun... Again!

Yes, another very early morning for me. Carson fell asleep about 6 pm last evening, and woke at 4 am this morning. Sigh. I am sooooo tired.

Somehow, despite getting up so early, and not getting a nap, I was able to be productive yesterday. Steve and I managed to get almost all of the laundry washed and dried, and dumped into an unused crib in the unused baby's room. In other words, we have a whole lotta folding to do. The crib is full. We also were able to do a lot of cleaning in the main part of the house. It's nice to have a neater house. I won't say it is completely clean, we didn't get to the floors, but it is well on it's way.

I have really enjoyed watching Carson play by himself this morning. He is on the couch now playing with some sort of truck, saying "beep, beep, beep" as he drives it on the cushions. Kids are so different when they are alone versus in a group. My kids are almost always in a group, and Carson, being a typical 2 year old, in my experience anyway, does not like to share. He flat refuses to share his motorcycle toy. He will carry it around all day, clutched to his chest like it is made of precious metal. We have decided not to fight that battle any longer, and have instead told the other boys that the motorcycle belongs to Carson, and asked them to leave it alone. I know that this is probably not fair, but I have told them that they may choose a toy of their own to try to make it up to them. I have also reminded the big boys that they each have their own blankets that they carry around and no one is allowed to touch.

My Carson is such a beautiful boy. His brothers would correct me and say that instead he is handsome. He has a pile of dirty blond curls, fuzzy on top and tight in the back, that he twists into knots a couple of times a week with his sweet obsession with hair, he would twist mine into knots too if I would let him. I have not had his hair cut yet, at this point it is just barely long enough to cut. He has these green/brown eyes that sparkle like no other, and chubby little baby cheeks. In my eyes, which are admittedly biased, he looks just like a little angel.

Although, I am fully aware that he doesn't always act like an angel. He's two. Two is obviously a tough age. He is not a baby, yet still baby-ish. He still wears diapers or pull ups, he still takes his beloved be-be (aka pacifier). He has little tantrums that leave him kicking and screaming on the floor when we cannot understand him or satisfy his want of the moment. He is a big talker, with a heavy southern drawl. One and two syllable words are elongated to 3 or 4 syllables. The word house turns into hh-oww-oo-sss. It is about the most adorable thing I have ever heard, I love to just hear him talk. He is also a very good driver, he laps the house many times daily on his mini-Gator. He goes as fast as it will take him, skillfully avoiding obstacles like stumps, lawnmowers, and brothers.

Cars, as I call him about half the time, loves his brothers. Well, most of the time. He and Connor tend to tangle more than any of the rest of them. Being just days less than a year apart certainly contributes to their tangles. That, and they are both stubborn little boogers. Carson loves his Cadan the most, though, he calls him "Bubba." I strongly discouraged that for a long time, but in the end, it doesn't matter that much, and Cadan loves that Carson calls him that. I do too, it is like a term of endearment from little brother to big brother. Carson also does the role of big brother to Corbin very well. He calls him "Borby Ga-ga" and I have no idea where the ga-ga part came from. I bet Carson kissed his newborn baby brother 1000 times in the first week of his life. Now, he doesn't kiss him quite as much, but loves playing games of peek-a-boo and sharing cars, just not the motorcycle.

Carson tends to be more of a Daddy's boy these days, which is a little heart wrenching for me. When he was smaller, he wanted me or no one at all. I like to think he loved my cuddles and singing of lullabies, but truthfully, I had the longest hair for him to play with, and I let him do it, which Daddy would not. Now he dutifully follows his Daddy around, doing whatever Daddy asks. Major meltdowns happen when his Daddy goes anywhere without him. I don't know what it would be like if Steve ever went back to work.

Well, I could go on and on about my third little boy, I could go on and on about any of the four of them, but today Carson was really on my mind. As I said I was really enjoying watching him play by himself. Alas, though, that time is over, and Cadan and Corbin are now awake and about.

Early morning rambling

I am up really, really early today. I am enjoying some quiet time and some coffee. It's nice being up early without any real reason, although, I really probably regret it later today.

Steve and I want to have a "work day" today. The house is a mess and the laundry is piled up. Isn't every house like ours with 4 kids 5 years old and under?

We have some projects that we want to work on, too. We have decided to move the crib, which we rarely use, out of our bedroom, and move a second bed into our room. Now, we already have a queen size bed in our room, but those above mentioned children refuse to sleep in their own beds, so we are going to put a full size bed in there as well. There won't be too much room to move around, but hey, at least there will be room to sleep. As is is now, Steve ends up in the spare bedroom with no kids, and I end up in our room with all 4 of them.

Since his accident last May, he has been mostly sleeping in the spare bedroom anyway. At first it was because I was so pregnant, and he was is a cast and a sling. Then he had shoulder surgery in December, and again in January.

The other night, we tried to sleep together, with baby Corbin tucked snug between us. We weren't even asleep yet when Connor came into our room and wanted in "Mommy's pot," otherwise known as my spot in the bed. Soon after, Cadan comes and sleeps at the foot of the bed. Remember that this is just a queen size bed? Steve gave up at that point. He moved on to the spare bedroom, and the Carson came and took his place. Ahhh.... The days of undisturbed sleep are such a distant memory.

We are also preparing for a yard sale! We have massive amounts of stuff that we need to sale. Although, there are not a whole lot of baby clothes to sell, I have mostly given those away to my friends and family. We do have lots of house stuff, and I have a ton of clothes from my pre kid days. I wonder how much Steve is actually going to part with? He is such a pack rat!

Life marches on...

As life goes on by, I am starting a new journey towards wellness. Total wellness, within and without.

I am currently studying meditation, courtesy of one of the kindest ladies I have never met. Although, she is always there when I ask for help. She always has kind words of wisdom. She is a friend I may never meet. Unless I get over my fear of flying. She is a big sister that I never knew I wanted.

My boys are well. Cadan will start kindergarten in a couple of weeks. Connor is 3 years old and struggling at that time between being a toddler and a preschooler. Carson is 2 years old, and well, he is just typical 2. Baby Corbin is walking, and babbling, DaDA, MaMa. It's just adorable. They all are.

Steve is doing better every day. I credit his recovery to the continued prayers from around the world. The very night of the accident, as I was on the way to the trauma center, there were prayers going up as far as Australia. I know that in that moment, God heard my crys and answered our prayers.

If you get a chance, please check out http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ and read Stellans' story. This little boy and the MckFamily has touched a place deep in my heart. Please remember him in your prayers.

Thinking of John

John was the first person who helped me when I arrived at the hospital after Steve's accident. I remember being incredibly annoyed because he was on the phone with someone else when I, with my tear stained face and 6 month pregnant baby walked up to the Emergency desk to find out where my husband was and in what condition. It seemed like forever that I waited. I wanted to be angry.

Then John cradled the phone and turned his attention to me. I don't quite know how to describe this moment, as I stumbled with simple sentences, pleading in my heart for this stranger to tell me to just go home, there was no Steve there, it had all just been a mistake. That wasn't to be, though. John's kind face calmed me. His steady voice was like a guiding light in a haze of terror. He searched for the information that I needed. He showed empathy with his gestures, with his voice, all the while I was fighting this anger, this denial, and insisting that we had good insurance. Silly, huh? As it turned out, Steve had arrived at the trauma center as a John Doe, his ID had been lost in the accident. This was further terrifying, and added to the delusion that I held that it was NOT my Steve on that motorcycle.

Once the facts had been laid out, and there was no doubt that this was my Steve, my husband, the father of my children, John immediately made his was into the trauma area. When he returned to the waiting area, where I was waiting, his face told the brutal truth. This was a bad deal. Quickly thereafter, a friend of a friend arrived and spoke with John. This friend of a friend happened to work in the trauma unit, and was admitted to see Steve. This friend delivered the grim list of injuries. John watched from the desk, walked over with tissues, floated in the background as this frenzy took control of me, of my life, of our lives.

As family and friends began to arrive to wait for news of Steve's condition, John watched over us. It was really as if he were sent by God to be my guardian on that day. There are no words to describe the stranger I met that awful day.

Finally my mother in law and I were permitted to see Steve. Wow. It was like being in the middle of my worst nightmare. Quietly, once again, John stayed in the background while I kissed and love my injured mate, while I pleaded with God to save him.

Later on in the night, once Steve was settled into the Trauma ICU, John led the group who had gathered up to the room. That was one of the longest walks ever. I was led by John to a place I never wanted to have to be, but there I was, and I was getting strength from a stranger. A stranger.

What I have written doesn't tell the story I want to tell. I don't know how to say the things that I want to say.

I think of John often. He was such a pillar for me in those dreadful days. A bright light.

Someday, I hope I can find him and thank him, again.

Still going...

and still making it.

It's amazing how life can turn out.

I have been doing a whole lotta thinking lately about the things that make me go, you know, get up in the mornings. Lately, just getting up in the mornings has been a horrible struggle. Depression seems to have creeped back into my life. I am fighting, but I feel weak and tired. It's like I have exhausted all of my resources and now have nothing left to fall back on. No one wants to hear my struggles anymore, I have had too many. No one wants to hold my hand anymore, I should be strong enough by now. I feel like I am running out of time.

I am really not doing well at work. I know that I need my job to provide for my boys, but I just don't have the energy to coddle every person who has had one failed internet connection. Really! Please restart your computer and try again. That usually does the trick! Obviously, it doesn't work every.single.time, but please, refrain from calling until you actually know that it doesn 't work. Bottom line is that I no longer like my job, in fact, I hate it. I really hate going there every day, but alas, I have to do it anyway. Isn't that just part of being an adult.

Oh, and for any teens out there who might think that they cannot wait to grow up, please don't rush it. It sucks.

A year ago was an oridinary day...

Until it wasn't.

May 05, 2008. You have read about it before if you have read my blog.

I just want to say - YAY! We made it. He made it. We are doing okay.

My heart hurts.

My heart hurts. I have recently started following Kayleigh's Story. That sweet little one has touched a place so deep inside my soul. I wish that there was something I could do for her and her family. I cannot imagine how her parents feel. I just ache for them.

Please say some extra prayers for the Freemans.

A moment of clarity.

Over the past year, there have been times when I felt I was about as low as I could get.

Today, during some down time at work, I was reading random blogs. Things could have been so, so much worse. My children are healthy. My husband is recovering.

I am blessed beyond measure.

Getting close to a year.

The one year anniversary of Steve's accident is rapidly approaching. This past 11 months seems like years looking back. Can it really just be 11 months? Really?

So much in our lives has changed. We have a new baby! I am the one who has to go to work everyday and get as much overtime as I possibly can. Steve is in constant pain. The are endless doctors' appointments. Endless.

I feel like we are at a turning point. We can continue to travel the same path in our marriage or find a new one. It's time to make a positive change. I know that Steve & I are both tired. So very tired.

I just have to get the grit from the bottom of soul and be determined to make it.

A Quiet Night...

Without children. What a treat! I am so excited to get to sleep through the night with interruption! Too bad I have to go to work in the morning.

A very sad day.

Our beloved Pastor moved on to Heaven this morning. I know that right now he is rejoicing and singing with the angels.

Papa was so much more than your typical Pastor. He was larger than life, loud, and loving. He always made me feel like I was in the presence of someone who truly knew the Lord. He will be missed greatly.

It is our selfishness that makes us sad on this day. Papa is with his Jesus. This was that "one glad morning" that he always sang about.

Fly away, Papa, fly away.

The kids schedule is busy!

Birthday parties every weekend, school events, the list can go on and on.

How am I going to manage when all 4 boys are doing different activities? I don't think I considered that when I decided to have 4 kids.

The baby is sick again. Poor guy, he has been sick so much. He has had RSV, pneumonia, a double ear infection, and now a new ear infection, or it could just be lingering from 3 weeks ago. I am just ready for him to be well.

I made the best dinner!

Well, I thought so anyway.

Damn it! I started Weight Watchers last week, and I am not doing so well.

Anyway, I made a London Broil, marinated, with sauteed onions and mushrooms. Homemade mac n' cheese, baked potatoes, and steamed broccoli. It was good! This was my first time making London Broil. I looked at a few recipes online first. Then I just threw some things we had around together, and made a marinade.

We didn't have dessert. I like dessert after a good meal.

Ok, now back to the Weight Watchers.

A vacation day!

I took the day off to stay home with the boys. Corbin didn't sleep that well last night, and well, I just needed a break. It will be a nice one since I am usually off on Thursday and Friday. So I get a 3 day weekend in the middle of the week!!

The rest of the weeks is packed full of activity. Tomorrow, I take Connor and Carson for their 2 & 3 year pictures. I am so excited! I haven't been able to afford to take them since their last birthdays. I am hopeful that they turn out well.

Friday, Connor, Carson, & Corbin will all have their well checks. I am not looking forward to this. I love their peditrician, though, so it won't be too bad. His nurse is great, too.

So, this morning, I am relaxing, as much as I can with 3 little ones here, and having some coffee.

Today was one of those days...

You know, one of those perfect early Spring days. Just an ordinary day. The same type of day that fooled me before, the day of Steve's accident.

We are rapidly approaching the one year anniversary. I can't imagine how I am going to deal with the day, after the way I didn't handle a day like the day very well.

It's like I could relive it minute by minute. The accident happened just about NOW. I was cooking dinner, and getting annoyed that Steve wasn't there yet. He was laying in the ditch, starting the fight of and for his life. I was still just making tacos. I had no idea.

Shouldn't I have felt something? Shouldn't I have felt a jolt, a cold chill, something? Why was I so clueless?

Ya, I know that last paragraph was totally irrational. I am not real good at rational on bad days.

It's Monday Again!

The start of another work week....

Someone doesn't seem to mind>>>>>>>>>

That's baby Corbin. He is a doll baby. He is the sweetest baby on the planet. He has 2 teeth now, and he is almost 20 pounds.

Lazy Sunday!

The boys and I are just hanging out today. Carson is sitting right beside me on the computer desk, Corbin is napping with Steve, Connor is playing his PSP (Vsmile Pocket), and Cadan is just relaxing on the Spiderman couch. This is a great way to start the new week!

Today is a better day.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks at work. I have been working overtime, which is rare.

I decided I should take my day off today instead of working an extra shift. I think that was a smart move. I feel better already. I did wake up with a better attitude. I am home with my boys. I have missed them so much this week.

So, today I feel grateful. Grateful for my many, many blessings.

• I have 4 beautiful, healthy boys.
• I have a good job. A job that allows me to provide for my family.
• I have a wonderful family.
• My Mom is my best friend.
• I have a wonderful support system.
• I am making it happen. I keep on going with the Grace of God.

There is so much more. Much, much more.

So, I'm just tired.

I am so tired. I am tired of being sad, tired of being lonely. I am just damn tired.

I miss my life. I miss what could have/should have been.

Steve and I had the best 2 weeks of our marriage in the weeks before his accident. He doesn't remember those weeks. That really sucks. I barely remember them now, I just remember the peace. I want some peace.

I want my husband to feel well. I want to jump out of the bed for a new adventure in the morning. I want some normalcy.

So, what? I have so much to be grateful for. Here I whine where the whole world can hear me and what I should be doing is praising God that I have all the blessings that I do. I have the best little boys in the world. They are just.....They are awesome.

I need to just focus. Focus on the positive, much easier said than done.

Tomorrow I want to wake up with a better attitude.

Saturday was such a nice day!

That should not be remarkable. It was just one of those long exhausting, but satisfying days.

It didn't start out so great. Steve discovered a water leak in the laundry room, and then broke the main thingy (have no idea about plumbing stuff) while trying to fix it.

The kids and I needed to evacuate the premises, and I needed coffee. Oh, and I had to brush my teeth.Luckily, Mom & Dad live just down the road, so we piled in on them.

Dad is feeling better every day after having a GI bleed last week. That would not be too dangerous for most people, but he is on blood thinners, so he lost a lot of blood. He is taking iron and recovering from the blood loss. It was just so good to see him playing with the boys, just being Dad.

I made breakfast for everyone, and it was so yummy! Dad went and bought us some country ham, which is one of my favorite things, and it really hit the spot with Mom's homemade Blackberry Jam.

Cadan is sick. He has had a fever for a couple of days now, but no other complaints, so I am pretty sure it is just a virus. He was feeling pretty yucky when we arrived, but once the Motrin kicked in, he was up and about. All the boys were wild, but they are always that way at Nana and Pop Pop's.

I made an awesome beef stew for dinner! It was one of the best things that I have ever made. I did it all from scratch, too. Yum! It was perfect for this cool January evening. I made a big sugar cookie with icing for dessert.

Steve came home before the boys and me. He was resting when I got here. He doesn't have a whole lot of stamina yet, he had another surgery to repair his separated shoulder on January 15th. The accident has really taken it's toll on him, he is about 40 pounds lighter, still. He is doing great though, all things considered.

Wow! It has been a very long time since I have updated my blog! I will try to stay on top of that!

So YAY! I just wanted to share my good day!