November 2015 Update...

Sigh...

So, I am a bad, bad blogger.  An especially terrible Mommy Blogger.  No posts since January, 10 months ago.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just...

No idea, no excuse.  Just none.

I spent the evening redesigning my blog.  A whole new look will hopefully motivate me to update much, much more often.  These boys and this life is just too wonderful not to blog about.

So, now for the real updates...

Cadan... now 11 1/2 years old.  He is so very smart and tall and handsome.  He has huge feet, huge skinny feet, I think he got those from my Mamal.  He has my curly hair, and close to my hair color, he looks a lot like my side of the family.

Cadan is playing basketball and soccer right now, he excels at both sports.  He is a very good athlete, tall and thin,  he looks like he was build for both basketball and soccer.  On the soccer field, he's aggressive and has a whole lot of natural talent.  It's the same on the basketball court.  He really seems to enjoy both sports.

Despite his natural athletic abilities, not all sports come easy for Cadan.  He played his first season of baseball this past Spring and bless his heart...  baseball, it was difficult for him.  He was amazingly patient, though, and determined, he never missed a practice or a game, and in fact, he was early to practice and even stayed late to practice hitting with his Dad.  My boy was such a good sport, he could not have made me more proud if he had hit a home run every single game.  It was so hard to watch him go up to bat time and time again, and either strike out or be walked, I would tear up at times and be grateful for my sunglasses.  He just kept on trying though, and never complained a bit.   He certainly taught me something about teamwork and determination, and so did all the other 10 and 11 year old boys on his team.  They were so kind and patient with Cadan...  they included him in everything.  They cheered him on each time at bat and high fived him even when he struck out.  It was really amazing to watch.

Connor...he is now 9 1/2 years old, and just the most intelligent child I have ever met.  Seriously, this kid...  his IQ was tested last year, in third grade, at 8 years old...  and he scored 130.  I think that's pretty impressive.  He loves school, he loves computers, he is a natural at math and spelling and, well, almost anything he wants to learn to do.  Connor also loves church, he participates every Sunday that he attends, helping his Pop Pop lead the singing, and even writing some songs with his cousin, Noah.

Connor's passion, though, is soccer.  He is really amazing at soccer.  He plays offense and defense and goalie, and is good at all positions.  Last weekend, he tried out for a travel team, and of course, he made the team.  I am so proud of him and look forward to watching him play with a more advanced group of players.

Con Con, as I have always called him, looks much more like his Dad's side of the family, and in all honesty, he is probably the one of the boys' that is closest to his Dad.  From what I understand from his Dad's family, Connor strongly resembles Chad, who is his Dad's brother who passed away several years ago, I never met him, but I agree about the resemblance from the few pictures I have seen.  The only trait I can attribute to my side of the family are his beautiful blue eyes...  they are like my Dad's.  It's funny, the other three boys have their Dad's brown eyes, and then Connor has those blue eyes.


Carson... my love bug...  he's 8 1/2 years old now.  He is Mommy's Boy.  He is so smart, everything academically comes very easy to him, and very sweet and sensitive, he is definitely the most like me in every way.  He has my cheeks and, if he would let it grow out long enough you could see that he also has my hair,  He loves completely and thoroughly.  He is a joy to be around, as they all are, but this age and this boy!

Silly boy!  Ok, I must add a not-so-silly picture, too.

Yes, he plays soccer, too, and basketball.  He is not quite as naturally athletic as his brothers, but he gives 100% when he plays.  He has too much of his Mommy in him to be too athletic.

This boy, though...  so smart with the electronics.  He loves Minecraft.  Loves to watch YouTube.  Well, Carson loves everything, that's just the kind of kid he is, and he is such a joy.

Corbin... G...my baby boy is now 7 years old.  I can't believe it.  I really can't.  It seems like just yesterday I was anxiously awaiting his arrival.  He is a spitfire, for sure.  Can't you tell?!?!

Corbin is my baseball boy... he is a maniac on the field.  At bat, he swings so hard, it's really amazing.  This year he played Spring baseball, then on a travel team all summer, and fall baseball, and now he is training for travel ball starting next Spring.  He is dedicated and amazing.  Baseball has really helped this guy to grow.

I can really tell how baseball has helped him to mature when it comes to school.  He is doing so well.  Now, Corbin has to work for it more than the other boys do, for sure, and he certainly resists at times, but he puts in the work and it is paying off for him.  I am so very proud of my baby boy,

And to introduce our newest family member,,,,

A Girl????

Meet Piper....

She is a best friend to us all.  She gives cuddles and licks and jumps and plays and is just so much fun.  She will be 4 months old next week.  She is half Yorkie and half Jack Russell and is weighing in at about 11 pounds already.  I really didn't think that she would ever get this big, but I was very wrong.  She is a very welcome addition to our little family.

As for me and Kev, we are great.  Life couldn't be much better, actually, and it has been a while since I was able to say that.

Count to 4...

Just breathe... and count to 4?

I'm always counting to 4.  My 4 boys, my 4 blessings. 

We were at the local recreation center today, when it occurred to me that I'm constantly counting to 4, keeping up with those boys.

It's a tough job, counting those little bobbing heads in the pool, making 4 plates for dinner, going through bath time times 4.  It's the best job I've ever had, certainly the most fulfilling and by far, the hardest. 

Navigating the 4 personalities of my boys is proving to be the toughest part so far.  Cadan is soft hearted and gentle, Connor is very intelligent and straightforward, Carson has a huge heart and is such a softie, and Corbin is all boy - rough around the edges, but so full of love.  Parenting these 4 very different boys is quite the challenge, but it's a challenge I gladly accept. 

So, tonight, I count my 4 blessings, say a prayer for my 4 sweet boys, and get ready to begin a new week.

Happiness...

Happiness is living and loving life with these little boys of mine.  Oh... and my new husband.

Kevin and I were married on February 28, 2014.  I am as close to blissful as I have ever been.  I feel happiness.  Real happiness.  It's simply amazing.

We have a new home and a whole new life.  I am so far from where I was just a few short years ago.

The boys began attending a new school this year.  They are all doing amazingly well.  Life is just so good.

Cadan is now in the 5th grade... that means that Middle School is just around the corner.  He is tall and smart and very handsome.  He has the most elegant hands, he should play piano or guitar, but he's not at all interested.  Instead, these days he's mostly interested in playing Minecraft.  He is an awesome big brother.  Somedays, I don't think I could handle Corbin without his help.

Connor is now in the 3rd grade.  He is so very intelligent.  His blue eyes are turning green, to match mine, while all his brothers have their Dads' brown eyes  He loves Minecraft, too, and soccer.  He is an amazing athlete on the soccer field.

Carson is now in the 2nd grade.  He has the best sense of humor, and he is the most loving of my boys, by far.  He is growing tall and slimming down.  He is so much like me it is unbelieveable, he is very sensitive and tender-hearted.  He has a smile that is just contagious.

Corbin is now in the 1st grade.  He is still a handful, as he's always been.  He is growing and learning to behave, though, a little more each and every day.  He will just be 6 years old at the end of this month.  I have a Minecraft TNT cake ordered for him.  I can't wait to celebrate with him.  He loves baseball and seems to have a real talent for hitting the ball.  He is a bundle of energy every single day.

No one could have convinced me 3 years ago that I could or would ever be this happy.  It has taken a ton of work, a lot of self reflection.  The days are getting easier now, though, and I hope and pray that this trend continues.

Quantity versus Quality

I found myself sitting on the front porch last evening, watching & listening to the boys play, and feeling completely at peace for the first time in as long as I can remember.

My divorce was final on Monday, the 8th of April.  It was also our 10 year wedding anniversary that day.  Oh, the irony...

As I sat there, feeling calm and sure, I realized that I have made it through the storm.  It's finally over.  I sacrificed the quantity of time that I have with my boys for the quality of our lives.

When Steve & I were together, every single day was some sort of struggle or drama.  There was always a reason to argue.  That's not there anymore and that is a peaceful feeling.

So, I focus on the quality of the time I do have with the boys.  It's certainly not the ideal amount of time, our custody arrangement is about a 60/40 split, and ideally I would like to be able to be with them 100% of the time.  That would be everyone's ideal, though.  Life just doesn't always work out the way we had planned.

Sometimes, though, the way it does work out is still the best for everyone involved.  I am a better parent, a better person, a better me, as a single parent.  I am much happier, so very much happier.

The boys seem happy, now, too, for the most part.  They miss me when they are with their Dad and they miss him when they are with me, but that's to be expected.

Cadan expresses the most disappointment with the situation.  When I told him that the divorce was over, he mad a sad face and walked away.  He pretty much refuses to talk to me about it.  I wish I could do something to make it better for him, but I don't think that there is anything more I can do that I haven't already done.  I assure him that his Dad & I both love him very much and that we both want to be with him & his brothers very much.  The thing is that I really don't know what goes on in their lives when they are with their Dad.  The boys flat refuse to talk about anything that goes on with their Dad.  I hope that he is as reassuring as I am.  I cannot do anything about what he does, so I have to let that go and just keeping doing what I know to be the right thing.

This is the only part where I still struggle.  I know it's just the way it is and there isn't much that can be done about it.  I guess I could have pushed for Steve to have less time with them, but they love him very much and I know he loves them.  On the long weekends when I have them, and they go 5 days without seeing him, I know they miss him.  They tell me so.  THAT is the reason that I settled on the custody agreement that we have, I feel that it's in the best interest of the boys.  I don't want them to have to miss their Dad.  I certainly didn't want them to only see him every other weekend or once a week and every other weekend.  That doesn't seem often enough for us.  Every situation is different.

Finally I have the peace that I was seeking all along.  I had to give a lot to get it.  I am so grateful for what I do have now.  It may not be the quantity of time that I wanted with my boys, but the quality of our lives is so much greater now that it's worth the sacrifice.  I just have to remember that.

Finally.... An Update

It's been so long since I've blogged, I don't even know where to start.

Since this is a blog about my boys, I'll start there.

Cadan is 8 years old now, soon to be 9 in May.  He's in third grade.  He has grown to into such a handsome boy.  He's tall and slender and a little clumsy.  He's full of fun and laughter.  He is so smart, especially in math.  He gives me huge bear hugs where he jumps up on me and wraps his long arms and legs around me and he squeezes me all over.  He is such a loving little guy.  He has struggled the most with the new life we are building separate from his Daddy.  I guess that is to be expected since he is the oldest.

Connor just turned 7 years old yesterday.  He is in first grade.  He is very smart, and does really well in school.  He's a bit shy, unlike the rest of his brothers,  He's getting taller and slimming down from his rolly poly days of his toddlerhood.  He is growing up too fast, they all are.  He is laid back and just so easygoing.  He loves computer games and riding his bike.

Carson just turned 6 years old on the 6th.  He's in kindergarten.  He is my love bug and freely gives hugs and kisses whenever and wherever, which is unlike his big brothers, who only give kisses at home these days.  He loves Batman more than anything else.  He's funny and very outgoing, much like Cadan. He looks so much like me, it's unreal.  He's built just like me, with a little pudge around the edges.

Corbin is 4 years old and in pre-kindergarten.  He has grown up so much since he started school.  He can write his name and is learning so much, so fast.  I can't believe my baby boy will be 5 years old in August.  It seems like just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant.  He's a little rascal who is into everything.  He is by far my most challenging child.  He loves his Pop Pop more than anything else, they have such a special relationship.

As for me...  I have found someone very special.  Kevin is my soulmate and has shown me what real love feel like.  It's amazing to be in such a loving relationship.  We have been together for over a year now, and while it has been tough at times, especially with the ongoing divorce, we have loved each other through the hard times.  He amazes me every single day.  He has weathered every storm this past year with me and the boys, and he's handled it with such grace.  He has taught me so much about giving and loving and sharing and just how to be in a healthy relationship.

Kevin also brought another son into my life, Dillon, who is 17 years old.  Dillon is giving me a crash course on parenting a teenager.  He's pretty awesome.  He loves my little boys and we get along so well.  He's over 6 foot tall and he's growing into such a nice looking young man.

So now with a household of seven, six of them being male, I am completely outnumbered.  And I love it.  Every minute of it.  Life is truly good.

Family - Redefined

Our family is going through a restructuring right now. Well, that's a nice way to put it, anyway.

Divorce.

It's so common it's not really that shocking, unless it's happening to you.

Steve & I have have now been separated since October 1st, save for 10 days in which I thought I could and would do anything necessary to keep my family together. Those were probably some of the worst 10 days of my life.

Obviously, I wasn't able to do all the things necessary to keep my marriage together. There was just no way around it... It was over and done with, and there was absolutely no way to reconcile.

So, it's been 6, almost 7 months now since we separated. I filed for divorce on November 21st. It has gotten pretty nasty, there are Orders of Protection on both sides.

We have a crazy visitation schedule... one week he has the boys from 4:30 pm to 8:30 pm on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, then it's my weekend to have them, the next week he has them from 4:30 to 8:30 on Tuesday and Thursday, and then it's his weekend. Steve & I agreed to this schedule back when things were amicable, and my thought was that Corbin, being only 3 years old, shouldn't go more than 3, or at most 4, days between seeing either parent. I had read some research showing that however old the child is, they should go no longer than that between seeing either parent.

This has turned out to be very difficult on my two oldest, Connor, who is in kindergarten, and Cadan, who is in second grade. They have complained about all the back and fourth, and I have tried to propose an alternate schedule, but Steve refuses to listen. I want to change the schedule to him having them every Wednesday from 4:30 pm to 8:30 pm, every Friday night, save for the 4 times per year that there are 5 week in a month, I would get them back at 2 pm on Saturday on my weekends, and he would just keep them until 6 pm on Sunday on his weekends. I feel like that is a more reasonable schedule for the children, and I think Steve knows that it's reasonable, but I think he is just being stubborn and difficult.

So, now my family is completely redefined. My boys have 2 homes, and 2 sets of rules. My dream of the perfect family is shattered. I really thought that if we could make it through the aftermath of Steve's motorcycle accident, we could make it through anything. Oh, but I was SO wrong. In all honestly, my heart is shattered. It breaks a little more everyday, but also heals as I grow stronger and healthier. This is NOT what I wanted for me and Steve and the boys, but as it turns out, I had no other choice.

Finally, and I want to be very clear here... I am writing this carefully as to NOT assign blame on either side. The details as to what ended it all are ugly and I am not willing to share those with the world. Steve & I both made mistakes, and sometimes, you just cannot turn back. This time we couldn't. Now we have lawyers and judges to work it out. Which is also heartbreaking, in and of itself.

So, now comes the hard part, the journey through the justice system. Steve & I butt heads about every single thing. With the Orders of Protection, we are not supposed to even speak to each other. How can we possibly co-parent without speaking? Unfortunately, we really can't. The wheels of justice move slowly, even when the well-being of children is involved. We have been to mediation, and it was a colossal fail. We begin depositions next week. Our third hearing to set child support is also next week. I have yet to receive child support, although he did give me $40 about 6 weeks ago, and $35 when he left. Steve's position is that I should be working full time to support the boys and he should just support them when he has them for visitation. My position is that I was a stay at home Mom for about a year before we split up, we had agreed as a family that I would be a stay at home Mom. I believe he needs to continue to support his children.

So... I continue to make it day by day. I have found some wonderful support from places I would have never imagined, which is HOW I make it day by day. Redefining your entire life is hard work, but it has to be done for my 4 boys.

Grocery Shopping and Brotherly Love

Happy Daylight Savings time! I am happy to see this sure sign of Spring just around the corner. I love Spring. It's a time of renewal, of faith, of commitment.

In an effort to change the focus of my blog, and record some of the sweet, happy memories, I want to tell y'all about a sweet moment with Cadan yesterday. Yes, it is very long winded, I like writing and telling stories, especially about my boys, there is a point... I promise.

So, a sweet, loving moment between two brothers...

I took Cadan, Connor, & Carson to their cousins birthday party yesterday afternoon. Corbin stayed home with Steve because they both have a nasty stomach bug that we didn't want to share. I cut the party a little short, because I needed to pick up a few things from the grocery store and I didn't want to be gone too long because Steve wasn't feeling that great. Now, we almost always go to Walmart for grocery shopping, but since I only needed a few things, I decided it would be quicker to go to Food Lion, our only other real choice in town.

As soon as we walked up to the store, the boys spotted the car cart, the one where two kids can ride in a car attached to the front of a buggy. Against my better judgement, I let them get the car cart. I knew it would be a hassle and it is a nightmare to try to push a 10 foot long cart around the store. Almost immediately the bickering began about who would go first and so on. I threatened to park the car cart and get a regular old cart, so they worked out their seating arrangements pretty quickly. We started in the produce department, and I was asking them what fruits and veggies they wanted. Of course with three little boys wanting everything in the store, my few things quickly multiplied as they asked for any and everything in sight. I had to tune them out a bit to try to concentrate on getting the things I needed to get. Before I knew what was going on, they were playing cops and robbers, Cadan was hiding around the corner as we turned the big giant car cart and Connor & Carson were pretending to shoot him, and they were starting to get a bit loud. I told them to quiet down and they settled a little bit, at least to a tolerable level. A few minutes after that I noticed that Connor was crying from inside the car, and Cadan & Carson were putting their butts in his face and happily singing "My butt's in your face!" I am pretty good at tuning them out, and grocery shopping takes some concentration for me, so I think their butts in the face game attracted other customers attention before it got mine, people were definitely looking. I scolded them as harshly as I could in a quiet voice, I was already a little embarrassed and I didn't want to draw more attention our way. The gig was up, though, and we had to get out of there as quickly as we could. I don't do well with them behaving badly in public, it makes me a bit crazy.

We finally made it to the checkout line, and our car cart was overflowing. I made Connor & Carson stay in the car so that I could better manage them and the the 50 other things going on,while Cadan & I unloaded the groceries for checkout. My little grocery trip for a few things ended up being more than $250! The bag boy couldn't fit all of my stuff into one cart, so I ended up having 2 to get out to the truck! I told Cadan to push one of the carts, the lighter one, and asked Connor & Carson to follow close behind me. I turned to make sure they were all following behind when I realized that Connor had stopped just a few feet past the checkout, pouting and stomping because we had to put the car cart away. I finally got him moving again when Cadan ran his cart into a display and got stuck. Before I could turn around and get back to him, a nice lady helped him get his cart free.

It was not at all the quick and easy trip to the grocery store that I had in mind when we stopped. I really couldn't believe how they acted.

While I unloaded the carts, I wondered what I should do to punish them for acting like little goons. Once I got into the truck, I asked them how they thought they acted. Cadan & Connor both dropped their heads, acknowledging that they didn't behave, but Carson insisted that he had behaved just fine. Mostly out of frustration, I told them that they were going to each get a spanking when we got home. I know that's not really a logical consequence, but it was the best I could come up with at the time. I was all out of patience.

On the way home, we talked about the way things went down in the store. They all said that they were sorry for the way they acted, and agreed that their behavior was unacceptable, which I appreciated. Of course next, they asked me not to give them a spanking. Now, I feel like I need to say here that spankings are very rare occurrences in our house. There is the occasional swat on the backside, but a real spanking almost never happens. I decided to offer a compromise since I hate spanking them every bit as much as they hate being spanked, and I really don't think that spanking them is all that productive. So I suggested that they could make it up to me by doing me a favor and carrying in the groceries. They took me up on it in a hurry, with only a bit of complaining coming from Carson.

We talked about the logistics of three little boys taking in so many groceries as we rode. I suggested that they each just take a couple of bags at a time. They were still concerned about the heavy bags and the gallons of milk, though. Cadan finally just asked if I would help them with some of the heavy stuff, and I told him that I would, even though that wasn't really the deal. It was a lot of groceries for the little guys to carry and, well, he asked so nicely. Steve says that I am just a softie, and I guess I am, I just don't like to turn them down when they ask for my help, even if it's a chore for misbehaving.

Now, Carson isn't a very good helper right now, I am hoping it's just a phase, he just doesn't want to put away toys or clothes or his cup or anything at all really, so getting him to actually help carry in the groceries was going to be a feat in itself. Well, just a few miles before we got home, Carson got really quiet, and I looked back to see fluttering eyelids. I tried to rouse him, but he was just so sleepy, and he was asleep in no time at all.

Once we pulled into the driveway, I said jokingly to Cadan & Connor, with a big silly grin on my face, that Carson wasn't going to help since he fell asleep, so he would have to get a spanking. Cadan looked at me so sincerely, and then he lovingly fluffed Carson's head full of crazy curls, and said, "Mama, don't spank Carsie, I will carry in his part."

That's it right there!! That's exactly it!! That is one of THE moments!!

Those moments are the reason that I love being a Mom to these boys. Those moments when I can see that, even if they choose to act up at the grocery store, and even if they don't seem to listen all the time or even any of the time, what we are saying to them is getting through, we are actually teaching them how to be kind, loving people. Steve & I are molding these little people to some day be big people, and somehow, by the Grace of God, we are doing a good job. These boys of mine are good boys, awesome, special, amazing, loving, happy boys.

The love that the boys show one another amazes me every single day. I hope I can always remember the look in Cadan's eyes as he stood up for his little brother, I hope I can always remember the way he patted Carson's curly head so sweetly, and openly showed his affection. I hope that the boys always remember how much they love each other, too. It is very, very important to me that the boys grow up and stay close to one another, I really want them to share a strong bond. I am sure that there will be circumstances as they get older that will cause friction between them, I just hope that Steve & I are able to instill the importance of family in them so that they can work through the kinks in their relationships. I know I cannot control how it turns out, but for now I can steer them in the right direction.

With one small gesture, Cadan wiped away all the frustrations I had from the trip to the grocery store. We all worked together to bring in and put away the groceries. It took a bit of prompting, but Carson pitched in, too. Steve brought their little red wagons out of the garage so that they wouldn't have to make so many trips.

My sweet boys make my day every single day. I am so very blessed.

Changing Focus - Sam's 4 Boys

Well, I certainly have not been keeping up with my blog. I am having a really hard time finding a place to begin again, a way to get reacquainted with my own words and thoughts. My goals have changed since I started this blog and my life has changed tremendously, all of our lives have changed. All of us have grown in different ways, we have all healed some of the wounds that were so fresh when I started this blog. The boys are certainly older and bigger, and hopefully, Steve and I are not only older, but smarter, too.

I have started many posts since my last one in October of last year, but I just haven't been able to finish them. I began this blog to recount a very painful time in our lives, a time when I was still reeling from the aftermath of Steve's accident. I needed to put the pain into words so that I could process exactly what I was feeling. Now I want to change gears.

What I want to do, what I need to do, is document the good times, too, and the mundane day-to-day life that we get to enjoy now, the ordinary that I so craved back then. I want my boys to read this blog someday when they are all grown up or even as they are growing up, and know that I truly enjoy them. I want them to be able to read my words, and maybe gain some wisdom and insight into what it is like to be their mother, to be a parent, to be a grown up, to be me. I want these words to be of some value to my sweet boys.

So, here's to a change of pace for Sam's 4 Boys...

It's been a full 6 months now since I have posted, and there is just no way to catch up. It's amazing the things that change in 6 months, and too, the things that stay the same.

My last post was about wanting my bed back, moving Corbin into the bed with his brothers. Well, that certainly has NOT happened, and that's ok by me. Corby is my last baby boy, and I want to enjoy these fleeting moments of babyhood. No one but me would consider him a baby at all. He's 2 1/2 now, he's starting to show interest in potty training, he's talking and telling me what he wants, he is trying his best to keep up with his big brothers, and doing a pretty good job at it, too. There is almost no denying that there is hardly any babyhood left. So, as much as it would be nice to sleep without toenails scraping my back, and waking up to "Be-be, Mama, be-be!" I cherish those last sleepy moments, when he snuggles up close, and his baby eyes flicker fighting the impending sleep. There is a sweetness to sleeping with your babies, a sweetness that I am going to miss when I finally do get my bed back.

I won't try to fool anyone into thinking that my Big Boys never sleep with me either, even now. Last Saturday night, the night before Connor & Carson's birthday party, Connor asked if he could sleep with me since the next day was his birthday party day. How could I say no to that? So, Corbin slept on the couch with his Daddy, and me and my Big Boys piled into my bed. Carson on one side, me on the other, with Connor in the middle, and Cadan at the foot of the bed, stretched all the way across. We watched cartoons and talked about the big day ahead, Con & Cars were so very excited about their birthday party. I woke up sore all over, but my heart felt so full and happy.

Piling up with the three Big Boys in my bedroom reminded me of the months before Steve's accident, when I was pregnant with Corbin. We had my queen size bed and a toddler bed in my bedroom back then. Steve was working nights, so it was just me and the boys at bedtime. Cadan was 3 years old, almost 4, Connor was just over 2 years old, and Carson was just over 1 year old. I didn't feel secure with them sleeping down the hall in another room, I wanted them as near to me as they could be. One of them would get put into the toddler bed, usually whoever fell asleep first, but by the time morning came along, we would all 4 be back in my bed, snuggled up every which way. Steve was usually stuck with the couch. Those were some of the happiest times I can ever remember.

These happy memories are the ones that I tend to tuck away in my mind, and unfortunately, I sometimes forget that they are there as I plod through another day, another week, and on and on. That is why I need to commit myself to writing some of them down, so that I can remember all over again, and so my boys can share in these cherished memories.

I Want my Bed Back

Ahhh...

Corbin is sleeping soundly in my bed. The one and only place that he will sleep soundly. Every night, it's the same routine. I get him to sleep in my bed. He falls fast asleep. I wait a while, watch some TV, play around on the Internet, whatever. When I am finally ready to go to bed, I pick him up and carry him to his brother's bedroom, and quietly and quickly put him into bed snug between 2 big brothers.

Ahhh...

Then I settle into my comfy bed, done with parenting for the night, or so I think (wish). As soon as I hit that place where I am finally going into a restful sleep, I hear it.

"Mama."

I think to myself, ok, he will find his bebe and go back to sleep. I close my eyes even tighter. Hoping, praying that he will just stay in bed with his brothers. I just need one night with no one touching me, no toenails scraping my back, or little feet sticking up my shirt. Just on night, come on Corby, you can do it, I silently chant with my eyes tightly closed.

"MAMA. BEBE!"

Ya, that's not going to happen. Well, ok, he will come to me. I am all of 20 foot down the hall. I can stay in my comfortable spot that took 15 minutes to find, and he will come to me.

"Mama. MAMA. Bebe. BEBE!"

So, now I have a choice. Let him be, he can come to me, he can find his bebe or drag myself out of this very comfortable spot and carry my 35 pound 2 year old toddler back to bed. Decisions, decisions? How badly to I want to stay comfortable? How badly do I want the other boys to stay asleep? I REALLY want everyone else to stay asleep, so I relent, go to his brother's room, dig around in the bed and find the bebe, and carefully carry Corby back to my bed, toenails and all.

My 4 Boys

The boys are growing up too fast.

Corbin just turned two, and so far it's not terrible at all. He's actually a little sweeter, if that's even possible. His hair has grown out so now he has curls, like Cadan & Carson, but Corbin's are a bit wilder. That's just Corby, though, a bit wilder than the rest.

Connor started pre k this year and is doing great. He loves it, and he has the same teacher that Cadan had for pre k. Connor has this wonderful little personality... He loves everyone and everyone loves him. He adores his brothers, but his Daddy most of all.

Cadan is in first grade now. Wow... How did that happen? He's reading, and he writes pretty well. I had no idea how much homework a first grader would have.

Carson is 3 1/2 now... and he's just so precious. He still takes his bebe, although I know we are getting to the time that I have to take that thing away. We had a mini crisis tonight when we couldn't find it. Steve found one somewhere. Poor guy just cried when we couldn't find it. I told it was time that bebe went away, and that just broke his little heart. I held him while he cried and cried. I hate having to wipe away those baby tears.

It's Been a While

Hello, hello!

Yes, I have wimped out and not kept up with my blog. *sigh* You know how raising 4 boys and working full time will suck up all your time, or the good majority of it anyway.

So...

I feel like I am out a crossroads in my life. I feel like I need to shed this skin I wear and find a new one. Not so much on the family front, but most certainly on the career front.

I work for a HUGE corporate giant. I feel like I will never be anything but a peon here. It's exhausting to try to reach these standards that are not at all attainable. It's not just me either, my peers cannot reach these goals either.

I have a decision to make. Do I leave this job I despise? We have the savings to be comfortable for quite a while until I could secure a new job. I should be pretty marketable. I have been at my current job for almost 6 years.

I know that in this economy I should be grateful for what I have, but damn. Just damn. This place is a pit. Yes, it's a nice office. There is no manual labor. I feel as if I am wasting my brain power, certain talents that I have, I am wasting here. What talents do I have besides making babies? There are many more.

I will get back to this.

And no, I won't be leaving soon. I can't. Steve won't let me.

Tired...

I really need to go to bed, I really do.

I get up at 5 am all week, and get home about 4 pm. It's a long day.

It seems as if I work two jobs, wear 2 hats, so to speak.

My commute home being my break from working outside the home to working at home. It's all very tiring.

Then again, I feel I have no room to complain. I have a nice job in a nice office. I have a great little family, with 4 (mostly) healthy kids, and a wonderful husband. I complain anyway.

How do I possibly balance this? The house is always a mess. Sometimes, I barely hang on at work, struggling just to concentrate enough to make it through the day. We don't eat well. The kids get junk food much more than I would like, we eat lots of frozen stuff.

I want to figure out how to establish a routine that will work in this busy life. Any suggestions?

My thoughts on my blog

I love blogging. I usually just write about whatever strikes me at the moment. I am not sure I have very many readers, and that's just fine with me. I like having this out here for my own reading sometimes. It reminds me of all the blessings I have.

I remember when I started this blog in June 2008. It was a theraputic experience for me. I was writing about my husband's accident. I remember the keyboard being wet from the tears I shed as I wrote those first posts describing the accident and the aftermath.

I also remember just a few short weeks ago when I posted about Steve being normal once again. That felt like the end of a book, more likely the end of a chapter. I am thankful that I have these words I have written to look back upon when the days are gloomy.

The fight to quit

Sigh.


I have failed at my attempt to quit smoking. I am so disappointed with myself. I was doing just fine until Saturday, I forgot my nicotine patch. Honestly, I was looking for an excuse to fail. I wanted to fail. The truth is that I like to smoke.

Another truth, I like to live.

Yet another, I am overweight and I am scared that not smoking will cause additional weight gain.

So, I feel backed into a corner. I can smoke because I like it, and it's easier, and I am more likely to get various forms of cancer and other nasty diseases. I can quit, and likely gain even more weight, which could lead to diabetes, there is a strong history in my family, which can lead to all kinds of other complications. On the other hand, I could feel better enough to exercise when I am not smoking. It makes me so grouchy not smoking that I just want to sit and grouch and gripe and not do anything productive like exercise.

Ugg! Do you understand the battle here?!?!?!

I certainly wish that when I decided to start this smoking stuff, I had known... Oh, wait, I did know. I was 15 years old and believe me, I knew it ALL. *sarcasm*

I have failed. Time to step it up, put on my patch, and make it through a new smoke free day.

Cadan tells me all the time, "Mom, you need to go to stop.com and log in and just stop."

If only it were that easy.

The Quiet of the Night

I never knew how much I would appreciate bedtime until I had kids of my own. I remember when I was a kid, Mom & Dad would make Donna & I go to bed at 8 pm every single night. I thought that they were mean people at the time. I thought that they just wanted us out of their hair. I was right.

I guess it's not exactly that I want the kids out of my hair at bedtime. There are other good reasons for bedtime. Sleep for example. They needs lots of it to be functioning little humans. I know I need lots to function well, and well, I don't get that much, especially when I let the bedtime routine slip.

So I enjoy a few hours of the quiet of the night, after bedtime. This is the time when I can relax, or not. I can blog, or not. I can lurk at my favorite message board. I love that place. It's my "home" on the net.

I truly believe if not for the prayers sent out from around the world from the friends on my message board, my husband would not be here today. I think that desperate post was the smartest thing that I have ever done. I cried out to anyone who could hear me to please pray. They did. I just wonder how many people were reached, how many cries went out to God that night on our behalf. Certainly, my "home" on the net did not fail me. Those folks held my hand through the darkest days of my life. It was truly amazing the comfort received from virtual strangers. This is not to say that those I know in real life were not equally amazing.

These are the things I think about in the quiet of the night.

I ofter wonder how things would have turned out had I chose not to post "Prayers desperately needed." Indeed, prayers were desperately needed that night, and they were answered. Those dark days I felt so close to God. I felt His presence. I was guided by Faith. I knew that my husband was going to be here with me to raise our children.

Goodnight.

Back to normal.

He finally looks "normal" again. His smile is back. If he heard me say that he would laugh and say that there is nothing normal about him.

Looking "normal" is not important, though. Not at all. It's the feeling of normal that is important. We have a routine, we eat dinner together. We enjoy each other's company. We are normal. We are a normal family, a normal couple, who had a near miss. We are going to be okay. He is going to be okay. Life is going to be okay. This is a feeling that I missed a lot. In fact, I had no idea how much I missed it until I just felt it. I was just sitting here in the back yard, talking with Steve, watching the kids play, and I looked at him and thought, WOW! It hit me like a ton of bricks, all at once. It's a very nice feeling.

Steve can do almost anything that he could do prior to the accident. Some days are still rough. Sometimes he helps my Dad for a few days. He and I have been working on painting the house. Right now he is under the house working on the plumbing. Jacob, his best friend, is still around, and I am so grateful for that. Most of his friends disappeared after the accident and that really hurt him. Sometimes he still slurs when he is really tired, and his face will still droop occasionally. If you never met him before the accident, you would never know.

He spends much more time with me and the kids, he is funnier and funner than ever. He tells jokes again! He smiles all the time. We talk a lot more, we love a lot better. We are friends again. We are going to make it. Our marriage feels stronger than it ever has. I think that we have survived and we are going to continue to make it.We were finally at a good place when the accident happened. Steve and I have always had a rough marriage, not bad, not great. There were lots of trust issues, and I was finally getting over them. We were getting along, the bills were paid, we started working the same shift the week before the accident. We had big plans. Then it felt like the world crumbled.

This is going to probably sound really selfish, but here goes. I feel like I am over it. The past is what it is, and it is time to go on. We have so many things to be grateful for, beautiful healthy children, birth control, I have a good job. We are healthy. I am getting the help I need for my emotional issues, and I own them now, I don't feel trapped by them. I am ready to start losing some of the 100 pounds I have gained and taking care of myself and my family. I even went and had a hair cut and color the other day. It felt so good, and it's been a LONG time.

So, life feels good again.

Thanks for reading.

The loss of Frankie.

Do you ever lose anyone expectantly? Nope. I don't think so.

We lost a colleague, a good friend, a comedian, this weekend. When I say we, I mean the world. The world has lost out on Frankie. All those who never heard that laugh have missed out. All of those who never saw that spirit that carried him have missed out.

No one should die at 30.

I am so saddened, not only for the lose of Frankie, but for the pain that my friends are in. I haven't actually seen any of them, but their pain is evident in their online postings, their text messages.

One of the things that really strikes me is that Frankie was one of five boys. As a Mom of 4 boys, this touches my heart in a way I cannot explain. I loved to hear Frankie talk about growing up in a family of all boys. He adored his brothers. He could always relate to me when I was having a hard time dealing with my 4 boys. It was truly a blessing to know him.

I wish I could reach out to his mother. Most 30 year old men don't speak about their Mom the way that Frankie did. I remember when she was coming in for a visit a few months ago, he was so worried about mowing the lawn.

I will miss the contagious laughter. The sparkling eyes. The jokes. The man. The friend.

I wish you peace Frankie.

Cadan is about to start Kindergarten

We are getting ready this week. Today we had his 5 year check up. He is 48 pounds and 46 inches tall! He is over the 90th percentile on both metrics! He has weighed basically the same since he was 3 years old, he has just much taller and skinnier.

Tomorrow we will spend our last family day of the year. I plan on just hanging out at home with the boys and doing fun stuff.

Wednesday is the BIG day! We will get him registered and enrolled. Hopefully we will meet his teacher.

Cadan seems to be really looking forward to returning to school. Me, not so much. He is just growing up too fast!

I can remember walking him around the kitchen when he was just a tiny little thing, telling him about the adventures that we would take. I remember how sweet it was to just be in his presence. I would lay him beside me on the couch, when I just wanted to hold him, because I had been warned of spoiling him. I so clearly remember those first little steps across our living room floor. Back then, I couldn't wait for the next milestone. Now, I dread reaching the next.

Watching them grow up is so hard to do. Loving them is so easy.

Up before the Sun... Again!

Yes, another very early morning for me. Carson fell asleep about 6 pm last evening, and woke at 4 am this morning. Sigh. I am sooooo tired.

Somehow, despite getting up so early, and not getting a nap, I was able to be productive yesterday. Steve and I managed to get almost all of the laundry washed and dried, and dumped into an unused crib in the unused baby's room. In other words, we have a whole lotta folding to do. The crib is full. We also were able to do a lot of cleaning in the main part of the house. It's nice to have a neater house. I won't say it is completely clean, we didn't get to the floors, but it is well on it's way.

I have really enjoyed watching Carson play by himself this morning. He is on the couch now playing with some sort of truck, saying "beep, beep, beep" as he drives it on the cushions. Kids are so different when they are alone versus in a group. My kids are almost always in a group, and Carson, being a typical 2 year old, in my experience anyway, does not like to share. He flat refuses to share his motorcycle toy. He will carry it around all day, clutched to his chest like it is made of precious metal. We have decided not to fight that battle any longer, and have instead told the other boys that the motorcycle belongs to Carson, and asked them to leave it alone. I know that this is probably not fair, but I have told them that they may choose a toy of their own to try to make it up to them. I have also reminded the big boys that they each have their own blankets that they carry around and no one is allowed to touch.

My Carson is such a beautiful boy. His brothers would correct me and say that instead he is handsome. He has a pile of dirty blond curls, fuzzy on top and tight in the back, that he twists into knots a couple of times a week with his sweet obsession with hair, he would twist mine into knots too if I would let him. I have not had his hair cut yet, at this point it is just barely long enough to cut. He has these green/brown eyes that sparkle like no other, and chubby little baby cheeks. In my eyes, which are admittedly biased, he looks just like a little angel.

Although, I am fully aware that he doesn't always act like an angel. He's two. Two is obviously a tough age. He is not a baby, yet still baby-ish. He still wears diapers or pull ups, he still takes his beloved be-be (aka pacifier). He has little tantrums that leave him kicking and screaming on the floor when we cannot understand him or satisfy his want of the moment. He is a big talker, with a heavy southern drawl. One and two syllable words are elongated to 3 or 4 syllables. The word house turns into hh-oww-oo-sss. It is about the most adorable thing I have ever heard, I love to just hear him talk. He is also a very good driver, he laps the house many times daily on his mini-Gator. He goes as fast as it will take him, skillfully avoiding obstacles like stumps, lawnmowers, and brothers.

Cars, as I call him about half the time, loves his brothers. Well, most of the time. He and Connor tend to tangle more than any of the rest of them. Being just days less than a year apart certainly contributes to their tangles. That, and they are both stubborn little boogers. Carson loves his Cadan the most, though, he calls him "Bubba." I strongly discouraged that for a long time, but in the end, it doesn't matter that much, and Cadan loves that Carson calls him that. I do too, it is like a term of endearment from little brother to big brother. Carson also does the role of big brother to Corbin very well. He calls him "Borby Ga-ga" and I have no idea where the ga-ga part came from. I bet Carson kissed his newborn baby brother 1000 times in the first week of his life. Now, he doesn't kiss him quite as much, but loves playing games of peek-a-boo and sharing cars, just not the motorcycle.

Carson tends to be more of a Daddy's boy these days, which is a little heart wrenching for me. When he was smaller, he wanted me or no one at all. I like to think he loved my cuddles and singing of lullabies, but truthfully, I had the longest hair for him to play with, and I let him do it, which Daddy would not. Now he dutifully follows his Daddy around, doing whatever Daddy asks. Major meltdowns happen when his Daddy goes anywhere without him. I don't know what it would be like if Steve ever went back to work.

Well, I could go on and on about my third little boy, I could go on and on about any of the four of them, but today Carson was really on my mind. As I said I was really enjoying watching him play by himself. Alas, though, that time is over, and Cadan and Corbin are now awake and about.

Early morning rambling

I am up really, really early today. I am enjoying some quiet time and some coffee. It's nice being up early without any real reason, although, I really probably regret it later today.

Steve and I want to have a "work day" today. The house is a mess and the laundry is piled up. Isn't every house like ours with 4 kids 5 years old and under?

We have some projects that we want to work on, too. We have decided to move the crib, which we rarely use, out of our bedroom, and move a second bed into our room. Now, we already have a queen size bed in our room, but those above mentioned children refuse to sleep in their own beds, so we are going to put a full size bed in there as well. There won't be too much room to move around, but hey, at least there will be room to sleep. As is is now, Steve ends up in the spare bedroom with no kids, and I end up in our room with all 4 of them.

Since his accident last May, he has been mostly sleeping in the spare bedroom anyway. At first it was because I was so pregnant, and he was is a cast and a sling. Then he had shoulder surgery in December, and again in January.

The other night, we tried to sleep together, with baby Corbin tucked snug between us. We weren't even asleep yet when Connor came into our room and wanted in "Mommy's pot," otherwise known as my spot in the bed. Soon after, Cadan comes and sleeps at the foot of the bed. Remember that this is just a queen size bed? Steve gave up at that point. He moved on to the spare bedroom, and the Carson came and took his place. Ahhh.... The days of undisturbed sleep are such a distant memory.

We are also preparing for a yard sale! We have massive amounts of stuff that we need to sale. Although, there are not a whole lot of baby clothes to sell, I have mostly given those away to my friends and family. We do have lots of house stuff, and I have a ton of clothes from my pre kid days. I wonder how much Steve is actually going to part with? He is such a pack rat!