Changing Focus - Sam's 4 Boys

Well, I certainly have not been keeping up with my blog. I am having a really hard time finding a place to begin again, a way to get reacquainted with my own words and thoughts. My goals have changed since I started this blog and my life has changed tremendously, all of our lives have changed. All of us have grown in different ways, we have all healed some of the wounds that were so fresh when I started this blog. The boys are certainly older and bigger, and hopefully, Steve and I are not only older, but smarter, too.

I have started many posts since my last one in October of last year, but I just haven't been able to finish them. I began this blog to recount a very painful time in our lives, a time when I was still reeling from the aftermath of Steve's accident. I needed to put the pain into words so that I could process exactly what I was feeling. Now I want to change gears.

What I want to do, what I need to do, is document the good times, too, and the mundane day-to-day life that we get to enjoy now, the ordinary that I so craved back then. I want my boys to read this blog someday when they are all grown up or even as they are growing up, and know that I truly enjoy them. I want them to be able to read my words, and maybe gain some wisdom and insight into what it is like to be their mother, to be a parent, to be a grown up, to be me. I want these words to be of some value to my sweet boys.

So, here's to a change of pace for Sam's 4 Boys...

It's been a full 6 months now since I have posted, and there is just no way to catch up. It's amazing the things that change in 6 months, and too, the things that stay the same.

My last post was about wanting my bed back, moving Corbin into the bed with his brothers. Well, that certainly has NOT happened, and that's ok by me. Corby is my last baby boy, and I want to enjoy these fleeting moments of babyhood. No one but me would consider him a baby at all. He's 2 1/2 now, he's starting to show interest in potty training, he's talking and telling me what he wants, he is trying his best to keep up with his big brothers, and doing a pretty good job at it, too. There is almost no denying that there is hardly any babyhood left. So, as much as it would be nice to sleep without toenails scraping my back, and waking up to "Be-be, Mama, be-be!" I cherish those last sleepy moments, when he snuggles up close, and his baby eyes flicker fighting the impending sleep. There is a sweetness to sleeping with your babies, a sweetness that I am going to miss when I finally do get my bed back.

I won't try to fool anyone into thinking that my Big Boys never sleep with me either, even now. Last Saturday night, the night before Connor & Carson's birthday party, Connor asked if he could sleep with me since the next day was his birthday party day. How could I say no to that? So, Corbin slept on the couch with his Daddy, and me and my Big Boys piled into my bed. Carson on one side, me on the other, with Connor in the middle, and Cadan at the foot of the bed, stretched all the way across. We watched cartoons and talked about the big day ahead, Con & Cars were so very excited about their birthday party. I woke up sore all over, but my heart felt so full and happy.

Piling up with the three Big Boys in my bedroom reminded me of the months before Steve's accident, when I was pregnant with Corbin. We had my queen size bed and a toddler bed in my bedroom back then. Steve was working nights, so it was just me and the boys at bedtime. Cadan was 3 years old, almost 4, Connor was just over 2 years old, and Carson was just over 1 year old. I didn't feel secure with them sleeping down the hall in another room, I wanted them as near to me as they could be. One of them would get put into the toddler bed, usually whoever fell asleep first, but by the time morning came along, we would all 4 be back in my bed, snuggled up every which way. Steve was usually stuck with the couch. Those were some of the happiest times I can ever remember.

These happy memories are the ones that I tend to tuck away in my mind, and unfortunately, I sometimes forget that they are there as I plod through another day, another week, and on and on. That is why I need to commit myself to writing some of them down, so that I can remember all over again, and so my boys can share in these cherished memories.

I Want my Bed Back

Ahhh...

Corbin is sleeping soundly in my bed. The one and only place that he will sleep soundly. Every night, it's the same routine. I get him to sleep in my bed. He falls fast asleep. I wait a while, watch some TV, play around on the Internet, whatever. When I am finally ready to go to bed, I pick him up and carry him to his brother's bedroom, and quietly and quickly put him into bed snug between 2 big brothers.

Ahhh...

Then I settle into my comfy bed, done with parenting for the night, or so I think (wish). As soon as I hit that place where I am finally going into a restful sleep, I hear it.

"Mama."

I think to myself, ok, he will find his bebe and go back to sleep. I close my eyes even tighter. Hoping, praying that he will just stay in bed with his brothers. I just need one night with no one touching me, no toenails scraping my back, or little feet sticking up my shirt. Just on night, come on Corby, you can do it, I silently chant with my eyes tightly closed.

"MAMA. BEBE!"

Ya, that's not going to happen. Well, ok, he will come to me. I am all of 20 foot down the hall. I can stay in my comfortable spot that took 15 minutes to find, and he will come to me.

"Mama. MAMA. Bebe. BEBE!"

So, now I have a choice. Let him be, he can come to me, he can find his bebe or drag myself out of this very comfortable spot and carry my 35 pound 2 year old toddler back to bed. Decisions, decisions? How badly to I want to stay comfortable? How badly do I want the other boys to stay asleep? I REALLY want everyone else to stay asleep, so I relent, go to his brother's room, dig around in the bed and find the bebe, and carefully carry Corby back to my bed, toenails and all.

My 4 Boys

The boys are growing up too fast.

Corbin just turned two, and so far it's not terrible at all. He's actually a little sweeter, if that's even possible. His hair has grown out so now he has curls, like Cadan & Carson, but Corbin's are a bit wilder. That's just Corby, though, a bit wilder than the rest.

Connor started pre k this year and is doing great. He loves it, and he has the same teacher that Cadan had for pre k. Connor has this wonderful little personality... He loves everyone and everyone loves him. He adores his brothers, but his Daddy most of all.

Cadan is in first grade now. Wow... How did that happen? He's reading, and he writes pretty well. I had no idea how much homework a first grader would have.

Carson is 3 1/2 now... and he's just so precious. He still takes his bebe, although I know we are getting to the time that I have to take that thing away. We had a mini crisis tonight when we couldn't find it. Steve found one somewhere. Poor guy just cried when we couldn't find it. I told it was time that bebe went away, and that just broke his little heart. I held him while he cried and cried. I hate having to wipe away those baby tears.

It's Been a While

Hello, hello!

Yes, I have wimped out and not kept up with my blog. *sigh* You know how raising 4 boys and working full time will suck up all your time, or the good majority of it anyway.

So...

I feel like I am out a crossroads in my life. I feel like I need to shed this skin I wear and find a new one. Not so much on the family front, but most certainly on the career front.

I work for a HUGE corporate giant. I feel like I will never be anything but a peon here. It's exhausting to try to reach these standards that are not at all attainable. It's not just me either, my peers cannot reach these goals either.

I have a decision to make. Do I leave this job I despise? We have the savings to be comfortable for quite a while until I could secure a new job. I should be pretty marketable. I have been at my current job for almost 6 years.

I know that in this economy I should be grateful for what I have, but damn. Just damn. This place is a pit. Yes, it's a nice office. There is no manual labor. I feel as if I am wasting my brain power, certain talents that I have, I am wasting here. What talents do I have besides making babies? There are many more.

I will get back to this.

And no, I won't be leaving soon. I can't. Steve won't let me.

Tired...

I really need to go to bed, I really do.

I get up at 5 am all week, and get home about 4 pm. It's a long day.

It seems as if I work two jobs, wear 2 hats, so to speak.

My commute home being my break from working outside the home to working at home. It's all very tiring.

Then again, I feel I have no room to complain. I have a nice job in a nice office. I have a great little family, with 4 (mostly) healthy kids, and a wonderful husband. I complain anyway.

How do I possibly balance this? The house is always a mess. Sometimes, I barely hang on at work, struggling just to concentrate enough to make it through the day. We don't eat well. The kids get junk food much more than I would like, we eat lots of frozen stuff.

I want to figure out how to establish a routine that will work in this busy life. Any suggestions?

My thoughts on my blog

I love blogging. I usually just write about whatever strikes me at the moment. I am not sure I have very many readers, and that's just fine with me. I like having this out here for my own reading sometimes. It reminds me of all the blessings I have.

I remember when I started this blog in June 2008. It was a theraputic experience for me. I was writing about my husband's accident. I remember the keyboard being wet from the tears I shed as I wrote those first posts describing the accident and the aftermath.

I also remember just a few short weeks ago when I posted about Steve being normal once again. That felt like the end of a book, more likely the end of a chapter. I am thankful that I have these words I have written to look back upon when the days are gloomy.

The fight to quit

Sigh.


I have failed at my attempt to quit smoking. I am so disappointed with myself. I was doing just fine until Saturday, I forgot my nicotine patch. Honestly, I was looking for an excuse to fail. I wanted to fail. The truth is that I like to smoke.

Another truth, I like to live.

Yet another, I am overweight and I am scared that not smoking will cause additional weight gain.

So, I feel backed into a corner. I can smoke because I like it, and it's easier, and I am more likely to get various forms of cancer and other nasty diseases. I can quit, and likely gain even more weight, which could lead to diabetes, there is a strong history in my family, which can lead to all kinds of other complications. On the other hand, I could feel better enough to exercise when I am not smoking. It makes me so grouchy not smoking that I just want to sit and grouch and gripe and not do anything productive like exercise.

Ugg! Do you understand the battle here?!?!?!

I certainly wish that when I decided to start this smoking stuff, I had known... Oh, wait, I did know. I was 15 years old and believe me, I knew it ALL. *sarcasm*

I have failed. Time to step it up, put on my patch, and make it through a new smoke free day.

Cadan tells me all the time, "Mom, you need to go to stop.com and log in and just stop."

If only it were that easy.