and it is just a little bit scary.
I have had two really good days in a row. Two days of no arguing with Steve. Two days of enjoying the boys. Just two really nice, ordinary days.
Life seems to be falling into place. Days seem to be happy. Although, I must admit, I feel as if the rug will be pulled out from under my happy days at any second.
I sound so very ungrateful. I have many, many blessings I am blessed beyond measure. All these blessings have just come with hard lessons, especially the past 6 months.
Steve's accident fundamentally changed our lives. He no longer has the ability to provide for the family, that responsibility falls to me now. I no longer have the ability to take unpaid days off work, or be frivolous, in any way, with our money. Not that we were very frivolous before the accident, but we had some leeway. We had some luxuries then, and we still do now, they are just not as numerous.
It's not all about the money, though, not at all. Steve has always been one of the strongest (physically) people that I know. Now, he struggles with picking up the boys and playing with them. Each and every day is painful for him. His headaches are dibilatating. You can see the pain all over him. It hurt so much to see it. I have never know him to even take Tylenol on a regular basis.
The emotional impact of the accident has been tremendous. I have this anger that eats at me. As we were speaking with our attorney today, and he was going through the assets of the defendant, I felt the anger grow to an almost uncontrollable level. Not because I want anything that he has. Just because I want to change the decision that he made not to spend the small amount of money that it would have taken to fix the damn fence, and keep his livestock in the pasture. Steve's anger, well, it is almost undesirable at times.
Despite it all, as we come to the six month mark, we are stronger than ever before. Suddenly, it seems, the tide has turned. Suddenly, I feel hopeful again. Suddenly, life seems fun again.
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