The day that will shape our lives forever, final part 5

I guess there has to be an end to that day, that May 5th. It feels as if it has not yet ended.

I asked everyone to leave so that I could have a few minutes alone with Steve. I wanted to love him, to talk to him, to be angry, to connect... There was so much I wanted from those moments that I knew I couldn't get. I wanted to look into his big brown eyes and see that strong spirit, "the force" as he called it. I wanted him to hold me, though I knew he couldn't. I wanted him to tell me that everything would be alright, just as he had done so many times before. I wanted him to just wake up and walk out of there, but that was not to be either.

The nurse came in to talk to me, disturbing the sobs that I had been holding back for hours. I knew that I needed to tell them about my Steve so that they would be able to better care for him. She asked what seemed like a million questions. Does he smoke? Does he drink? To me it seemed that none of that should matter, although intellectually I knew that it did. I wanted her to know that he hated his feet being cold, and always wanted socks. I wanted her to know that we have 3 little boys, with another on the way, and what a wonderful father this man she was caring for is. I thought that somehow I needed to plead his case, that he needed me to advocate for his right to live, for his right to recover. At that point, not a lot of things going on in my mind were making sense.

The nurse was very professional, my cries and pleas didn't seem to change her attitude toward Steve at all, which I know it shouldn't. Once she was done asking me questions, I had the chance to ask her some questions. I don't remember most of my questions, I am sure I made little sense. I do remember the last answer, and I will never, ever forget it. I will never forget the look on her face, or her long blond, braided ponytail, as see said to me, "We don't know when, or if, he will ever wake up." The matter-of-fact tone almost enraged me. Then she walked away, leaving me alone with my Steve.

I pulled a chair close to his beside and took his hand. He had no visible cuts or bruises. If it weren't for all the tubes and IV's, you would have thought he was just sleeping. I cried, and I quietly begged him to wake up. I pleaded and apologized for every harsh word I had ever said to him. I begged God to bring him back. I lost it a little, but quietly. No one in the unit seemed to notice.

Finally, I looked up to find John painfully watching me cry. He came and took my hand and told me that everything was going to be okay. It was time to go. I once again didn't want to leave my Steve, but I knew I had to. John walked me all the way back to the waiting room, where my Mom was waiting for me alone. Everyone else had gone home.

And so, that day, that day that has changed our lives, and will shape our lives forever, was over. The sun was coming up on the next day. So much changed that day.