I found myself sitting on the front porch last evening, watching & listening to the boys play, and feeling completely at peace for the first time in as long as I can remember.
My divorce was final on Monday, the 8th of April. It was also our 10 year wedding anniversary that day. Oh, the irony...
As I sat there, feeling calm and sure, I realized that I have made it through the storm. It's finally over. I sacrificed the quantity of time that I have with my boys for the quality of our lives.
When Steve & I were together, every single day was some sort of struggle or drama. There was always a reason to argue. That's not there anymore and that is a peaceful feeling.
So, I focus on the quality of the time I do have with the boys. It's certainly not the ideal amount of time, our custody arrangement is about a 60/40 split, and ideally I would like to be able to be with them 100% of the time. That would be everyone's ideal, though. Life just doesn't always work out the way we had planned.
Sometimes, though, the way it does work out is still the best for everyone involved. I am a better parent, a better person, a better me, as a single parent. I am much happier, so very much happier.
The boys seem happy, now, too, for the most part. They miss me when they are with their Dad and they miss him when they are with me, but that's to be expected.
Cadan expresses the most disappointment with the situation. When I told him that the divorce was over, he mad a sad face and walked away. He pretty much refuses to talk to me about it. I wish I could do something to make it better for him, but I don't think that there is anything more I can do that I haven't already done. I assure him that his Dad & I both love him very much and that we both want to be with him & his brothers very much. The thing is that I really don't know what goes on in their lives when they are with their Dad. The boys flat refuse to talk about anything that goes on with their Dad. I hope that he is as reassuring as I am. I cannot do anything about what he does, so I have to let that go and just keeping doing what I know to be the right thing.
This is the only part where I still struggle. I know it's just the way it is and there isn't much that can be done about it. I guess I could have pushed for Steve to have less time with them, but they love him very much and I know he loves them. On the long weekends when I have them, and they go 5 days without seeing him, I know they miss him. They tell me so. THAT is the reason that I settled on the custody agreement that we have, I feel that it's in the best interest of the boys. I don't want them to have to miss their Dad. I certainly didn't want them to only see him every other weekend or once a week and every other weekend. That doesn't seem often enough for us. Every situation is different.
Finally I have the peace that I was seeking all along. I had to give a lot to get it. I am so grateful for what I do have now. It may not be the quantity of time that I wanted with my boys, but the quality of our lives is so much greater now that it's worth the sacrifice. I just have to remember that.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Finally.... An Update
It's been so long since I've blogged, I don't even know where to start.
Since this is a blog about my boys, I'll start there.
Cadan is 8 years old now, soon to be 9 in May. He's in third grade. He has grown to into such a handsome boy. He's tall and slender and a little clumsy. He's full of fun and laughter. He is so smart, especially in math. He gives me huge bear hugs where he jumps up on me and wraps his long arms and legs around me and he squeezes me all over. He is such a loving little guy. He has struggled the most with the new life we are building separate from his Daddy. I guess that is to be expected since he is the oldest.
Connor just turned 7 years old yesterday. He is in first grade. He is very smart, and does really well in school. He's a bit shy, unlike the rest of his brothers, He's getting taller and slimming down from his rolly poly days of his toddlerhood. He is growing up too fast, they all are. He is laid back and just so easygoing. He loves computer games and riding his bike.
Carson just turned 6 years old on the 6th. He's in kindergarten. He is my love bug and freely gives hugs and kisses whenever and wherever, which is unlike his big brothers, who only give kisses at home these days. He loves Batman more than anything else. He's funny and very outgoing, much like Cadan. He looks so much like me, it's unreal. He's built just like me, with a little pudge around the edges.
Corbin is 4 years old and in pre-kindergarten. He has grown up so much since he started school. He can write his name and is learning so much, so fast. I can't believe my baby boy will be 5 years old in August. It seems like just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant. He's a little rascal who is into everything. He is by far my most challenging child. He loves his Pop Pop more than anything else, they have such a special relationship.
As for me... I have found someone very special. Kevin is my soulmate and has shown me what real love feel like. It's amazing to be in such a loving relationship. We have been together for over a year now, and while it has been tough at times, especially with the ongoing divorce, we have loved each other through the hard times. He amazes me every single day. He has weathered every storm this past year with me and the boys, and he's handled it with such grace. He has taught me so much about giving and loving and sharing and just how to be in a healthy relationship.
Kevin also brought another son into my life, Dillon, who is 17 years old. Dillon is giving me a crash course on parenting a teenager. He's pretty awesome. He loves my little boys and we get along so well. He's over 6 foot tall and he's growing into such a nice looking young man.
So now with a household of seven, six of them being male, I am completely outnumbered. And I love it. Every minute of it. Life is truly good.
Since this is a blog about my boys, I'll start there.
Cadan is 8 years old now, soon to be 9 in May. He's in third grade. He has grown to into such a handsome boy. He's tall and slender and a little clumsy. He's full of fun and laughter. He is so smart, especially in math. He gives me huge bear hugs where he jumps up on me and wraps his long arms and legs around me and he squeezes me all over. He is such a loving little guy. He has struggled the most with the new life we are building separate from his Daddy. I guess that is to be expected since he is the oldest.
Connor just turned 7 years old yesterday. He is in first grade. He is very smart, and does really well in school. He's a bit shy, unlike the rest of his brothers, He's getting taller and slimming down from his rolly poly days of his toddlerhood. He is growing up too fast, they all are. He is laid back and just so easygoing. He loves computer games and riding his bike.
Carson just turned 6 years old on the 6th. He's in kindergarten. He is my love bug and freely gives hugs and kisses whenever and wherever, which is unlike his big brothers, who only give kisses at home these days. He loves Batman more than anything else. He's funny and very outgoing, much like Cadan. He looks so much like me, it's unreal. He's built just like me, with a little pudge around the edges.
Corbin is 4 years old and in pre-kindergarten. He has grown up so much since he started school. He can write his name and is learning so much, so fast. I can't believe my baby boy will be 5 years old in August. It seems like just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant. He's a little rascal who is into everything. He is by far my most challenging child. He loves his Pop Pop more than anything else, they have such a special relationship.
As for me... I have found someone very special. Kevin is my soulmate and has shown me what real love feel like. It's amazing to be in such a loving relationship. We have been together for over a year now, and while it has been tough at times, especially with the ongoing divorce, we have loved each other through the hard times. He amazes me every single day. He has weathered every storm this past year with me and the boys, and he's handled it with such grace. He has taught me so much about giving and loving and sharing and just how to be in a healthy relationship.
Kevin also brought another son into my life, Dillon, who is 17 years old. Dillon is giving me a crash course on parenting a teenager. He's pretty awesome. He loves my little boys and we get along so well. He's over 6 foot tall and he's growing into such a nice looking young man.
So now with a household of seven, six of them being male, I am completely outnumbered. And I love it. Every minute of it. Life is truly good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)