November 2015 Update...

Sigh...

So, I am a bad, bad blogger.  An especially terrible Mommy Blogger.  No posts since January, 10 months ago.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just...

No idea, no excuse.  Just none.

I spent the evening redesigning my blog.  A whole new look will hopefully motivate me to update much, much more often.  These boys and this life is just too wonderful not to blog about.

So, now for the real updates...

Cadan... now 11 1/2 years old.  He is so very smart and tall and handsome.  He has huge feet, huge skinny feet, I think he got those from my Mamal.  He has my curly hair, and close to my hair color, he looks a lot like my side of the family.

Cadan is playing basketball and soccer right now, he excels at both sports.  He is a very good athlete, tall and thin,  he looks like he was build for both basketball and soccer.  On the soccer field, he's aggressive and has a whole lot of natural talent.  It's the same on the basketball court.  He really seems to enjoy both sports.

Despite his natural athletic abilities, not all sports come easy for Cadan.  He played his first season of baseball this past Spring and bless his heart...  baseball, it was difficult for him.  He was amazingly patient, though, and determined, he never missed a practice or a game, and in fact, he was early to practice and even stayed late to practice hitting with his Dad.  My boy was such a good sport, he could not have made me more proud if he had hit a home run every single game.  It was so hard to watch him go up to bat time and time again, and either strike out or be walked, I would tear up at times and be grateful for my sunglasses.  He just kept on trying though, and never complained a bit.   He certainly taught me something about teamwork and determination, and so did all the other 10 and 11 year old boys on his team.  They were so kind and patient with Cadan...  they included him in everything.  They cheered him on each time at bat and high fived him even when he struck out.  It was really amazing to watch.

Connor...he is now 9 1/2 years old, and just the most intelligent child I have ever met.  Seriously, this kid...  his IQ was tested last year, in third grade, at 8 years old...  and he scored 130.  I think that's pretty impressive.  He loves school, he loves computers, he is a natural at math and spelling and, well, almost anything he wants to learn to do.  Connor also loves church, he participates every Sunday that he attends, helping his Pop Pop lead the singing, and even writing some songs with his cousin, Noah.

Connor's passion, though, is soccer.  He is really amazing at soccer.  He plays offense and defense and goalie, and is good at all positions.  Last weekend, he tried out for a travel team, and of course, he made the team.  I am so proud of him and look forward to watching him play with a more advanced group of players.

Con Con, as I have always called him, looks much more like his Dad's side of the family, and in all honesty, he is probably the one of the boys' that is closest to his Dad.  From what I understand from his Dad's family, Connor strongly resembles Chad, who is his Dad's brother who passed away several years ago, I never met him, but I agree about the resemblance from the few pictures I have seen.  The only trait I can attribute to my side of the family are his beautiful blue eyes...  they are like my Dad's.  It's funny, the other three boys have their Dad's brown eyes, and then Connor has those blue eyes.


Carson... my love bug...  he's 8 1/2 years old now.  He is Mommy's Boy.  He is so smart, everything academically comes very easy to him, and very sweet and sensitive, he is definitely the most like me in every way.  He has my cheeks and, if he would let it grow out long enough you could see that he also has my hair,  He loves completely and thoroughly.  He is a joy to be around, as they all are, but this age and this boy!

Silly boy!  Ok, I must add a not-so-silly picture, too.

Yes, he plays soccer, too, and basketball.  He is not quite as naturally athletic as his brothers, but he gives 100% when he plays.  He has too much of his Mommy in him to be too athletic.

This boy, though...  so smart with the electronics.  He loves Minecraft.  Loves to watch YouTube.  Well, Carson loves everything, that's just the kind of kid he is, and he is such a joy.

Corbin... G...my baby boy is now 7 years old.  I can't believe it.  I really can't.  It seems like just yesterday I was anxiously awaiting his arrival.  He is a spitfire, for sure.  Can't you tell?!?!

Corbin is my baseball boy... he is a maniac on the field.  At bat, he swings so hard, it's really amazing.  This year he played Spring baseball, then on a travel team all summer, and fall baseball, and now he is training for travel ball starting next Spring.  He is dedicated and amazing.  Baseball has really helped this guy to grow.

I can really tell how baseball has helped him to mature when it comes to school.  He is doing so well.  Now, Corbin has to work for it more than the other boys do, for sure, and he certainly resists at times, but he puts in the work and it is paying off for him.  I am so very proud of my baby boy,

And to introduce our newest family member,,,,

A Girl????

Meet Piper....

She is a best friend to us all.  She gives cuddles and licks and jumps and plays and is just so much fun.  She will be 4 months old next week.  She is half Yorkie and half Jack Russell and is weighing in at about 11 pounds already.  I really didn't think that she would ever get this big, but I was very wrong.  She is a very welcome addition to our little family.

As for me and Kev, we are great.  Life couldn't be much better, actually, and it has been a while since I was able to say that.

Count to 4...

Just breathe... and count to 4?

I'm always counting to 4.  My 4 boys, my 4 blessings. 

We were at the local recreation center today, when it occurred to me that I'm constantly counting to 4, keeping up with those boys.

It's a tough job, counting those little bobbing heads in the pool, making 4 plates for dinner, going through bath time times 4.  It's the best job I've ever had, certainly the most fulfilling and by far, the hardest. 

Navigating the 4 personalities of my boys is proving to be the toughest part so far.  Cadan is soft hearted and gentle, Connor is very intelligent and straightforward, Carson has a huge heart and is such a softie, and Corbin is all boy - rough around the edges, but so full of love.  Parenting these 4 very different boys is quite the challenge, but it's a challenge I gladly accept. 

So, tonight, I count my 4 blessings, say a prayer for my 4 sweet boys, and get ready to begin a new week.

Happiness...

Happiness is living and loving life with these little boys of mine.  Oh... and my new husband.

Kevin and I were married on February 28, 2014.  I am as close to blissful as I have ever been.  I feel happiness.  Real happiness.  It's simply amazing.

We have a new home and a whole new life.  I am so far from where I was just a few short years ago.

The boys began attending a new school this year.  They are all doing amazingly well.  Life is just so good.

Cadan is now in the 5th grade... that means that Middle School is just around the corner.  He is tall and smart and very handsome.  He has the most elegant hands, he should play piano or guitar, but he's not at all interested.  Instead, these days he's mostly interested in playing Minecraft.  He is an awesome big brother.  Somedays, I don't think I could handle Corbin without his help.

Connor is now in the 3rd grade.  He is so very intelligent.  His blue eyes are turning green, to match mine, while all his brothers have their Dads' brown eyes  He loves Minecraft, too, and soccer.  He is an amazing athlete on the soccer field.

Carson is now in the 2nd grade.  He has the best sense of humor, and he is the most loving of my boys, by far.  He is growing tall and slimming down.  He is so much like me it is unbelieveable, he is very sensitive and tender-hearted.  He has a smile that is just contagious.

Corbin is now in the 1st grade.  He is still a handful, as he's always been.  He is growing and learning to behave, though, a little more each and every day.  He will just be 6 years old at the end of this month.  I have a Minecraft TNT cake ordered for him.  I can't wait to celebrate with him.  He loves baseball and seems to have a real talent for hitting the ball.  He is a bundle of energy every single day.

No one could have convinced me 3 years ago that I could or would ever be this happy.  It has taken a ton of work, a lot of self reflection.  The days are getting easier now, though, and I hope and pray that this trend continues.

Quantity versus Quality

I found myself sitting on the front porch last evening, watching & listening to the boys play, and feeling completely at peace for the first time in as long as I can remember.

My divorce was final on Monday, the 8th of April.  It was also our 10 year wedding anniversary that day.  Oh, the irony...

As I sat there, feeling calm and sure, I realized that I have made it through the storm.  It's finally over.  I sacrificed the quantity of time that I have with my boys for the quality of our lives.

When Steve & I were together, every single day was some sort of struggle or drama.  There was always a reason to argue.  That's not there anymore and that is a peaceful feeling.

So, I focus on the quality of the time I do have with the boys.  It's certainly not the ideal amount of time, our custody arrangement is about a 60/40 split, and ideally I would like to be able to be with them 100% of the time.  That would be everyone's ideal, though.  Life just doesn't always work out the way we had planned.

Sometimes, though, the way it does work out is still the best for everyone involved.  I am a better parent, a better person, a better me, as a single parent.  I am much happier, so very much happier.

The boys seem happy, now, too, for the most part.  They miss me when they are with their Dad and they miss him when they are with me, but that's to be expected.

Cadan expresses the most disappointment with the situation.  When I told him that the divorce was over, he mad a sad face and walked away.  He pretty much refuses to talk to me about it.  I wish I could do something to make it better for him, but I don't think that there is anything more I can do that I haven't already done.  I assure him that his Dad & I both love him very much and that we both want to be with him & his brothers very much.  The thing is that I really don't know what goes on in their lives when they are with their Dad.  The boys flat refuse to talk about anything that goes on with their Dad.  I hope that he is as reassuring as I am.  I cannot do anything about what he does, so I have to let that go and just keeping doing what I know to be the right thing.

This is the only part where I still struggle.  I know it's just the way it is and there isn't much that can be done about it.  I guess I could have pushed for Steve to have less time with them, but they love him very much and I know he loves them.  On the long weekends when I have them, and they go 5 days without seeing him, I know they miss him.  They tell me so.  THAT is the reason that I settled on the custody agreement that we have, I feel that it's in the best interest of the boys.  I don't want them to have to miss their Dad.  I certainly didn't want them to only see him every other weekend or once a week and every other weekend.  That doesn't seem often enough for us.  Every situation is different.

Finally I have the peace that I was seeking all along.  I had to give a lot to get it.  I am so grateful for what I do have now.  It may not be the quantity of time that I wanted with my boys, but the quality of our lives is so much greater now that it's worth the sacrifice.  I just have to remember that.

Finally.... An Update

It's been so long since I've blogged, I don't even know where to start.

Since this is a blog about my boys, I'll start there.

Cadan is 8 years old now, soon to be 9 in May.  He's in third grade.  He has grown to into such a handsome boy.  He's tall and slender and a little clumsy.  He's full of fun and laughter.  He is so smart, especially in math.  He gives me huge bear hugs where he jumps up on me and wraps his long arms and legs around me and he squeezes me all over.  He is such a loving little guy.  He has struggled the most with the new life we are building separate from his Daddy.  I guess that is to be expected since he is the oldest.

Connor just turned 7 years old yesterday.  He is in first grade.  He is very smart, and does really well in school.  He's a bit shy, unlike the rest of his brothers,  He's getting taller and slimming down from his rolly poly days of his toddlerhood.  He is growing up too fast, they all are.  He is laid back and just so easygoing.  He loves computer games and riding his bike.

Carson just turned 6 years old on the 6th.  He's in kindergarten.  He is my love bug and freely gives hugs and kisses whenever and wherever, which is unlike his big brothers, who only give kisses at home these days.  He loves Batman more than anything else.  He's funny and very outgoing, much like Cadan. He looks so much like me, it's unreal.  He's built just like me, with a little pudge around the edges.

Corbin is 4 years old and in pre-kindergarten.  He has grown up so much since he started school.  He can write his name and is learning so much, so fast.  I can't believe my baby boy will be 5 years old in August.  It seems like just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant.  He's a little rascal who is into everything.  He is by far my most challenging child.  He loves his Pop Pop more than anything else, they have such a special relationship.

As for me...  I have found someone very special.  Kevin is my soulmate and has shown me what real love feel like.  It's amazing to be in such a loving relationship.  We have been together for over a year now, and while it has been tough at times, especially with the ongoing divorce, we have loved each other through the hard times.  He amazes me every single day.  He has weathered every storm this past year with me and the boys, and he's handled it with such grace.  He has taught me so much about giving and loving and sharing and just how to be in a healthy relationship.

Kevin also brought another son into my life, Dillon, who is 17 years old.  Dillon is giving me a crash course on parenting a teenager.  He's pretty awesome.  He loves my little boys and we get along so well.  He's over 6 foot tall and he's growing into such a nice looking young man.

So now with a household of seven, six of them being male, I am completely outnumbered.  And I love it.  Every minute of it.  Life is truly good.

Family - Redefined

Our family is going through a restructuring right now. Well, that's a nice way to put it, anyway.

Divorce.

It's so common it's not really that shocking, unless it's happening to you.

Steve & I have have now been separated since October 1st, save for 10 days in which I thought I could and would do anything necessary to keep my family together. Those were probably some of the worst 10 days of my life.

Obviously, I wasn't able to do all the things necessary to keep my marriage together. There was just no way around it... It was over and done with, and there was absolutely no way to reconcile.

So, it's been 6, almost 7 months now since we separated. I filed for divorce on November 21st. It has gotten pretty nasty, there are Orders of Protection on both sides.

We have a crazy visitation schedule... one week he has the boys from 4:30 pm to 8:30 pm on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, then it's my weekend to have them, the next week he has them from 4:30 to 8:30 on Tuesday and Thursday, and then it's his weekend. Steve & I agreed to this schedule back when things were amicable, and my thought was that Corbin, being only 3 years old, shouldn't go more than 3, or at most 4, days between seeing either parent. I had read some research showing that however old the child is, they should go no longer than that between seeing either parent.

This has turned out to be very difficult on my two oldest, Connor, who is in kindergarten, and Cadan, who is in second grade. They have complained about all the back and fourth, and I have tried to propose an alternate schedule, but Steve refuses to listen. I want to change the schedule to him having them every Wednesday from 4:30 pm to 8:30 pm, every Friday night, save for the 4 times per year that there are 5 week in a month, I would get them back at 2 pm on Saturday on my weekends, and he would just keep them until 6 pm on Sunday on his weekends. I feel like that is a more reasonable schedule for the children, and I think Steve knows that it's reasonable, but I think he is just being stubborn and difficult.

So, now my family is completely redefined. My boys have 2 homes, and 2 sets of rules. My dream of the perfect family is shattered. I really thought that if we could make it through the aftermath of Steve's motorcycle accident, we could make it through anything. Oh, but I was SO wrong. In all honestly, my heart is shattered. It breaks a little more everyday, but also heals as I grow stronger and healthier. This is NOT what I wanted for me and Steve and the boys, but as it turns out, I had no other choice.

Finally, and I want to be very clear here... I am writing this carefully as to NOT assign blame on either side. The details as to what ended it all are ugly and I am not willing to share those with the world. Steve & I both made mistakes, and sometimes, you just cannot turn back. This time we couldn't. Now we have lawyers and judges to work it out. Which is also heartbreaking, in and of itself.

So, now comes the hard part, the journey through the justice system. Steve & I butt heads about every single thing. With the Orders of Protection, we are not supposed to even speak to each other. How can we possibly co-parent without speaking? Unfortunately, we really can't. The wheels of justice move slowly, even when the well-being of children is involved. We have been to mediation, and it was a colossal fail. We begin depositions next week. Our third hearing to set child support is also next week. I have yet to receive child support, although he did give me $40 about 6 weeks ago, and $35 when he left. Steve's position is that I should be working full time to support the boys and he should just support them when he has them for visitation. My position is that I was a stay at home Mom for about a year before we split up, we had agreed as a family that I would be a stay at home Mom. I believe he needs to continue to support his children.

So... I continue to make it day by day. I have found some wonderful support from places I would have never imagined, which is HOW I make it day by day. Redefining your entire life is hard work, but it has to be done for my 4 boys.

Grocery Shopping and Brotherly Love

Happy Daylight Savings time! I am happy to see this sure sign of Spring just around the corner. I love Spring. It's a time of renewal, of faith, of commitment.

In an effort to change the focus of my blog, and record some of the sweet, happy memories, I want to tell y'all about a sweet moment with Cadan yesterday. Yes, it is very long winded, I like writing and telling stories, especially about my boys, there is a point... I promise.

So, a sweet, loving moment between two brothers...

I took Cadan, Connor, & Carson to their cousins birthday party yesterday afternoon. Corbin stayed home with Steve because they both have a nasty stomach bug that we didn't want to share. I cut the party a little short, because I needed to pick up a few things from the grocery store and I didn't want to be gone too long because Steve wasn't feeling that great. Now, we almost always go to Walmart for grocery shopping, but since I only needed a few things, I decided it would be quicker to go to Food Lion, our only other real choice in town.

As soon as we walked up to the store, the boys spotted the car cart, the one where two kids can ride in a car attached to the front of a buggy. Against my better judgement, I let them get the car cart. I knew it would be a hassle and it is a nightmare to try to push a 10 foot long cart around the store. Almost immediately the bickering began about who would go first and so on. I threatened to park the car cart and get a regular old cart, so they worked out their seating arrangements pretty quickly. We started in the produce department, and I was asking them what fruits and veggies they wanted. Of course with three little boys wanting everything in the store, my few things quickly multiplied as they asked for any and everything in sight. I had to tune them out a bit to try to concentrate on getting the things I needed to get. Before I knew what was going on, they were playing cops and robbers, Cadan was hiding around the corner as we turned the big giant car cart and Connor & Carson were pretending to shoot him, and they were starting to get a bit loud. I told them to quiet down and they settled a little bit, at least to a tolerable level. A few minutes after that I noticed that Connor was crying from inside the car, and Cadan & Carson were putting their butts in his face and happily singing "My butt's in your face!" I am pretty good at tuning them out, and grocery shopping takes some concentration for me, so I think their butts in the face game attracted other customers attention before it got mine, people were definitely looking. I scolded them as harshly as I could in a quiet voice, I was already a little embarrassed and I didn't want to draw more attention our way. The gig was up, though, and we had to get out of there as quickly as we could. I don't do well with them behaving badly in public, it makes me a bit crazy.

We finally made it to the checkout line, and our car cart was overflowing. I made Connor & Carson stay in the car so that I could better manage them and the the 50 other things going on,while Cadan & I unloaded the groceries for checkout. My little grocery trip for a few things ended up being more than $250! The bag boy couldn't fit all of my stuff into one cart, so I ended up having 2 to get out to the truck! I told Cadan to push one of the carts, the lighter one, and asked Connor & Carson to follow close behind me. I turned to make sure they were all following behind when I realized that Connor had stopped just a few feet past the checkout, pouting and stomping because we had to put the car cart away. I finally got him moving again when Cadan ran his cart into a display and got stuck. Before I could turn around and get back to him, a nice lady helped him get his cart free.

It was not at all the quick and easy trip to the grocery store that I had in mind when we stopped. I really couldn't believe how they acted.

While I unloaded the carts, I wondered what I should do to punish them for acting like little goons. Once I got into the truck, I asked them how they thought they acted. Cadan & Connor both dropped their heads, acknowledging that they didn't behave, but Carson insisted that he had behaved just fine. Mostly out of frustration, I told them that they were going to each get a spanking when we got home. I know that's not really a logical consequence, but it was the best I could come up with at the time. I was all out of patience.

On the way home, we talked about the way things went down in the store. They all said that they were sorry for the way they acted, and agreed that their behavior was unacceptable, which I appreciated. Of course next, they asked me not to give them a spanking. Now, I feel like I need to say here that spankings are very rare occurrences in our house. There is the occasional swat on the backside, but a real spanking almost never happens. I decided to offer a compromise since I hate spanking them every bit as much as they hate being spanked, and I really don't think that spanking them is all that productive. So I suggested that they could make it up to me by doing me a favor and carrying in the groceries. They took me up on it in a hurry, with only a bit of complaining coming from Carson.

We talked about the logistics of three little boys taking in so many groceries as we rode. I suggested that they each just take a couple of bags at a time. They were still concerned about the heavy bags and the gallons of milk, though. Cadan finally just asked if I would help them with some of the heavy stuff, and I told him that I would, even though that wasn't really the deal. It was a lot of groceries for the little guys to carry and, well, he asked so nicely. Steve says that I am just a softie, and I guess I am, I just don't like to turn them down when they ask for my help, even if it's a chore for misbehaving.

Now, Carson isn't a very good helper right now, I am hoping it's just a phase, he just doesn't want to put away toys or clothes or his cup or anything at all really, so getting him to actually help carry in the groceries was going to be a feat in itself. Well, just a few miles before we got home, Carson got really quiet, and I looked back to see fluttering eyelids. I tried to rouse him, but he was just so sleepy, and he was asleep in no time at all.

Once we pulled into the driveway, I said jokingly to Cadan & Connor, with a big silly grin on my face, that Carson wasn't going to help since he fell asleep, so he would have to get a spanking. Cadan looked at me so sincerely, and then he lovingly fluffed Carson's head full of crazy curls, and said, "Mama, don't spank Carsie, I will carry in his part."

That's it right there!! That's exactly it!! That is one of THE moments!!

Those moments are the reason that I love being a Mom to these boys. Those moments when I can see that, even if they choose to act up at the grocery store, and even if they don't seem to listen all the time or even any of the time, what we are saying to them is getting through, we are actually teaching them how to be kind, loving people. Steve & I are molding these little people to some day be big people, and somehow, by the Grace of God, we are doing a good job. These boys of mine are good boys, awesome, special, amazing, loving, happy boys.

The love that the boys show one another amazes me every single day. I hope I can always remember the look in Cadan's eyes as he stood up for his little brother, I hope I can always remember the way he patted Carson's curly head so sweetly, and openly showed his affection. I hope that the boys always remember how much they love each other, too. It is very, very important to me that the boys grow up and stay close to one another, I really want them to share a strong bond. I am sure that there will be circumstances as they get older that will cause friction between them, I just hope that Steve & I are able to instill the importance of family in them so that they can work through the kinks in their relationships. I know I cannot control how it turns out, but for now I can steer them in the right direction.

With one small gesture, Cadan wiped away all the frustrations I had from the trip to the grocery store. We all worked together to bring in and put away the groceries. It took a bit of prompting, but Carson pitched in, too. Steve brought their little red wagons out of the garage so that they wouldn't have to make so many trips.

My sweet boys make my day every single day. I am so very blessed.