They came to me randomly. The first number I could remember was Jacob's ex girlfriend. I called her to get Jacob's number. I had to be sure that this was indeed my Steve on this motorcycle, I had to be sure that Jacob didn't have Steve's phone for some reason. I was still in denial.
Once I had the number from the ex, I called Jacob. He answered. My heart sank. It couldn't be, but it was. It was indeed Steve on that damn motorcycle. I told Jacob what I knew, that there had been a terrible accident, and that Steve was on his way in a helicopter to the trauma unit, and he is breathing and fighting. He said he would be on his way.
The next call was the hardest. My Mom had Steve's sister, Teresa's, phone number saved in her phone for some reason. I did not have my mother in law's number. I shared with Teresa the same limited information that I had shared with Jacob. You could hear the panic in her voice immediately. She said she would have Kim, Steve's mom, call me right away.
Kim called. She was very stoic and matter of fact as she always is. I held it together very well as I told her the little bit I knew at this point.
Finally, I called Jim, a friend to both me and Steve. He immediately panicked. Actually, it was more than panic, I cannot really describe it. The hurt and fear came through loud and clear. He, too, would meet me at the trauma center.
The ride there is a blur. I remember seeing the mountains. I remember crossing over into Georgia and then back into Tennessee. I remember thinking that this cannot be happening. I thought a lot about our boys, and this baby boy I was carrying in my belly. I wondered how I could make it without my Steve. My Steve. I needed him more now than ever.
I decided on the way there that I would just have to be strong. I would just have to be. What else could I do? I would be strong and rational. I would be level headed. I was determined.
Once we finally arrived, I waited impatiently at the desk in the emergency room for the critical care advocate to get to me. He was on the phone, and I can remember thinking that I wanted to rip the phone from the desk and hurl it across the room. Surely nothing on the phone is that damn important. The irrational thoughts were creeping in.
John, the critical care advocate, finally turned to me. He had the most pleasant smile and caring eyes I think that I have ever seen. I felt rational again. I calmly told him who we were looking for, and why we were there. He looked intently into the computer, asking questions, trying to figure out where my husband was being treated. Then he said, "The John Doe?" No, no...my panic kicked back in, no his name is Steve.
After minutes than hung around like hours, John went into the trauma center to find Steve and get some information for me. I held my breath, preparing for the worst. How bad was it? How bad could it be?
John returned, his face told me so much. It was bad, I knew from the moment I saw him. The doctor's would be out to talk to me soon, right now they were inserting a chest tube into Steve. A chest tube? I knew that was bad.
Shortly after we got word on Steve's condition, Jim's older brother, who works in the ER at the trauma center, came in to check on Steve. He was allowed to go back to see him, which I had not yet been able to do, and give us a more complete assessment of the situation. Again, the news was grim.
I asked for some paper so that I could write down the list of injuries, as it was a pretty extensive list. I felt a strange numbness as the list increased with every new term, some I had only heard on TV watching ER or Grey's Anatomy.
Steve had 2 skull fractures, 2 facial fractures, broken ribs, a collapsed lung, his neck was broken, he had lost a whole lot of blood. He was acidotic, which was the most life threatening condition at the moment. He had also lacerated his kidney.
The acidosis was caused by the major trauma and loss of blood. He had already received 3 units of blood. He was hanging on, but barely.
I sat there, surrounded by family and friends, feeling more alone than I had ever felt in my life. My world was slowly crumbling around me. I could feel the weight of the situation heavily on by shoulders, although, I was surprisingly calm. I had to keep it together for the tiny life growing inside my womb.
The time passed slowly as I waited to see my husband. My Steve. I could do nothing but wait. I felt so very helpless. Questions flooded my mind. What if's crept in and disturbed the calm facade I was so desperately trying to assume.
I will continue later...
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