So, I'm just tired.

I am so tired. I am tired of being sad, tired of being lonely. I am just damn tired.

I miss my life. I miss what could have/should have been.

Steve and I had the best 2 weeks of our marriage in the weeks before his accident. He doesn't remember those weeks. That really sucks. I barely remember them now, I just remember the peace. I want some peace.

I want my husband to feel well. I want to jump out of the bed for a new adventure in the morning. I want some normalcy.

So, what? I have so much to be grateful for. Here I whine where the whole world can hear me and what I should be doing is praising God that I have all the blessings that I do. I have the best little boys in the world. They are just.....They are awesome.

I need to just focus. Focus on the positive, much easier said than done.

Tomorrow I want to wake up with a better attitude.

Saturday was such a nice day!

That should not be remarkable. It was just one of those long exhausting, but satisfying days.

It didn't start out so great. Steve discovered a water leak in the laundry room, and then broke the main thingy (have no idea about plumbing stuff) while trying to fix it.

The kids and I needed to evacuate the premises, and I needed coffee. Oh, and I had to brush my teeth.Luckily, Mom & Dad live just down the road, so we piled in on them.

Dad is feeling better every day after having a GI bleed last week. That would not be too dangerous for most people, but he is on blood thinners, so he lost a lot of blood. He is taking iron and recovering from the blood loss. It was just so good to see him playing with the boys, just being Dad.

I made breakfast for everyone, and it was so yummy! Dad went and bought us some country ham, which is one of my favorite things, and it really hit the spot with Mom's homemade Blackberry Jam.

Cadan is sick. He has had a fever for a couple of days now, but no other complaints, so I am pretty sure it is just a virus. He was feeling pretty yucky when we arrived, but once the Motrin kicked in, he was up and about. All the boys were wild, but they are always that way at Nana and Pop Pop's.

I made an awesome beef stew for dinner! It was one of the best things that I have ever made. I did it all from scratch, too. Yum! It was perfect for this cool January evening. I made a big sugar cookie with icing for dessert.

Steve came home before the boys and me. He was resting when I got here. He doesn't have a whole lot of stamina yet, he had another surgery to repair his separated shoulder on January 15th. The accident has really taken it's toll on him, he is about 40 pounds lighter, still. He is doing great though, all things considered.

Wow! It has been a very long time since I have updated my blog! I will try to stay on top of that!

So YAY! I just wanted to share my good day!

The end of another work week....

I am so happy this work week is over. I am really liking my schedule, working 10 hours per day Monday through Thursday. I get three days with the boys!

We don't have any big plans this weekend. Tomorrow I have to take Corbin in for his first round of vaccinations. I am not looking forward to that. I am looking forward to getting his weight. I am guessing that he is over 12 pounds already. That little guy is doing some growing!

I also have to go to the doctor tomorrow. I am see an orthopedic hand specialist for my right wrist and hand. It has been hurting so bad this week. It seems to have come on quickly. I hope that it is something that can be treated easily.

Cadan has to take something to school tomorrow that starts with the letter I. I have no idea what to send. I will call my Mom for suggestions. She always has good ideas.

The tide seems to be turning...

and it is just a little bit scary.

I have had two really good days in a row. Two days of no arguing with Steve. Two days of enjoying the boys. Just two really nice, ordinary days.

Life seems to be falling into place. Days seem to be happy. Although, I must admit, I feel as if the rug will be pulled out from under my happy days at any second.

I sound so very ungrateful. I have many, many blessings I am blessed beyond measure. All these blessings have just come with hard lessons, especially the past 6 months.

Steve's accident fundamentally changed our lives. He no longer has the ability to provide for the family, that responsibility falls to me now. I no longer have the ability to take unpaid days off work, or be frivolous, in any way, with our money. Not that we were very frivolous before the accident, but we had some leeway. We had some luxuries then, and we still do now, they are just not as numerous.

It's not all about the money, though, not at all. Steve has always been one of the strongest (physically) people that I know. Now, he struggles with picking up the boys and playing with them. Each and every day is painful for him. His headaches are dibilatating. You can see the pain all over him. It hurt so much to see it. I have never know him to even take Tylenol on a regular basis.

The emotional impact of the accident has been tremendous. I have this anger that eats at me. As we were speaking with our attorney today, and he was going through the assets of the defendant, I felt the anger grow to an almost uncontrollable level. Not because I want anything that he has. Just because I want to change the decision that he made not to spend the small amount of money that it would have taken to fix the damn fence, and keep his livestock in the pasture. Steve's anger, well, it is almost undesirable at times.

Despite it all, as we come to the six month mark, we are stronger than ever before. Suddenly, it seems, the tide has turned. Suddenly, I feel hopeful again. Suddenly, life seems fun again.

Happy Halloween!

Today was such a good day.

This morning I spend time cuddling Carson just after he woke up. It seems like he has grown up so much in the past few months. He is talking like crazy. It is really amazing to just listen to him, and watch him play. He is such a smart little guy.

I went to Cadan's preschool Halloween party this afternoon. That was fun! He dressed up as Spiderman. I love to watch him interact with all the other children his age. Preschool has been really good for him. It has given him a stability that he was lacking at home with all the turmoil of the past few months.

Of course, this evening we went trick or treating. It was great fun! The boys were so polite, for the most part, anyway. We took my friends little boy, Oliver, with us, too. Oliver is a few months older than Connor. He is such a sweet little soul.

All of the boys were superhero's, except Corbin. He had a "My First Halloween" hat and bib, and a spooky onsie. Cadan and Oliver were Spiderman, Connor was Batman, and Carson was Superman. They ate way too much candy. That's what Halloween is all about!

Ahhh, it feels so good to look back at a day and know that it was good. I am trying to cherish that feeling. I want more of these days.

Still MIA, but I am planning a comeback...

So, I have neglected my blog. Life has been crazy busy since Corbin arrived, and I went back to work. I barely have time to breathe. Tonight was the first night this week that I have actually had dinner.

I miss the boys so much when I am at work. It is so hard to walk out that door in the mornings.

I want to be able to take Cadan to school. I have this crazy, irrational fear that his preschool teacher thinks that I am an absent Mom, since I never get to take him to school. I am off tomorrow, so plan on taking him. They are having a Halloween party, and a costume parade. I cannot wait!

I will try to come back soon.

So I have been MIA...

for a little over a month. It's been a busy month!

The most exciting thing that happened in August, by far, was the birth of my fourth son, Corbin Gabriel, on August 27th. He weighed 6 pounds and 12 ounces, and he was 19 1/4 inches long. He has really dark hair, but not a lot of it. He is such a joy! The older boys are just thrilled with their new brother, although they do need time to adjust. Connor has cried more in the last month than he has in his whole life. First Cadan left him, when he started pre k, and then Corbin came home, and well, it's just been a little much for him to deal with.

I will try to get Corbin's birth story on here soon.