It's been a good week...

I haven't cried much this week. In fact, I think that it has been a few days since my last cry. This is a good thing.

The boys are growing up and doing well. They were all weighed this week. Connor is tipping the scales at 42.5 pounds now, at just under 29 months old. He is going to be a big guy! Cadan is 44 pounds and Carson is 28 pounds. They are happy and healthy, for the most part, other than the occasional ear infection. For this, I am very grateful.

I am now 37 weeks pregnant with my fourth son. Corbin Gabriel could arrive any time now, and I am so excited to meet him. When I had my OB checkup last week, it was estimated that he weighed around 8 pounds already! I know that is just a guess, and probably not accurate. I just hope that he is healthy. All signs point to healthy.

Steve's recovery has plateaued in recent weeks. There has been no progress on the paralysis in his face. At this point, I think that hope of recovering on his own is all but lost. We will return to his neurosurgeon at the end of this month. The next step will be surgery. That is a scary possibility, but so is the possibility of never being able to close your eyes again.

Cadan will be starting preschool on Tuesday. He is very excited! We made our very first school shopping trip Friday. He has several new outfits and new shoes, along with a new Spiderman backpack and lunchbox. Thanks to Nana. I felt some sadness that we are unable to purchase the things that he needs to start school ourselves, but blessed to have parents that are able to help us.

My parents have been such a blessing throughout this ordeal. They have provided for our mortgage payment, utility payments, groceries. They have really been amazing. Of course, there have been others who have helped as well, friends, even online friends, our church, other family members, and co workers. I have felt much love the past few months. Another thing for which I am very grateful.

It is really amazing to see the community come together in a time of crisis. I have no only received financial support, but also much needed emotional support. This blog and the online community that I belong to has been an amazing source of support. I appreciate each and every encouraging word.

I feel like we are about to round a corner. I feel like there is hope somewhere, a light at the end of the tunnel. That is a nice feeling.

The small things that make me happy

I was just sitting on the porch, listening to the thunder coming closer and closer. I love the smell of a coming rain. I love the way the air feels just a bit heavy. I love those first precious raindrops.

You know, every day I appreciate things that are new. Today, as Steve was hanging his laundry in his closet, I saw a glimpse of the old Steve. He is still just the same, the same man I have loved for years, for what seems like all my life. He is still as handsome as ever, even if his smile only works on one side of his face. I remember the scary days that I didn't think that I would ever see that smile again. I am grateful to see it at all.

And then there are my boys.... My joy. My loves. My Cars has the biggest smile you have ever seen, and eyes that sparkle like no others. My Connor... he talks more every day. I love his little voice, and all his questions. And my Cadan, or Cadybug as well call him most of the time. He is such a brave, sweet little soul. He is growing up way too fast.

Longing for easy times...

My blog is probably no fun to read. Some day it will be again.

Some day soon I will fill the pages with stories of my boys. I will tell you about how in love I am with my newborn baby. I will cry happy tears as I write these entries. I hope those days come soon.

Today, I am not there yet. I am in mourning for my life as it was. I want my children to have a normal schedule. I want my husband to be whole again. I want a day to pass that I don't cry, or worry, or feel like crawling in a hole.

I have always said that I would teach my children that life is not fair. HA! Life has really taught me that lately. I thought I knew, I thought I knew. I am so sad that that my boys are having to learn these hard lessons already. I know Carson and Connor are too young to know a whole lot about what is going on, but my Cadan feels it. I can see it on his face and in his spirit. That hurts me to my very core. I just want to protect my babies.

I worry so much about this baby I am carrying, baby Corbin. Has he been traumatized by all the events that have happened? I pray that he is healthy and happy.

Breaking Point

Breaking point... That is where I feel like I am today.

The culmination of the events of the past 2 months is really starting to wear on me. I am close to a total breakdown. I know that I have to find a way to hold it together, for myself, for Steve, for the kids, for the baby I am still carrying.

I had an OB checkup on Friday, I am now 32 weeks along. I have gained a slight amount, 3 pounds, over the past 2 weeks. This is a milestone for me, as I have not yet been able to make any weight gains this pregnancy. I told my OB about the contractions I had earlier in the week. He decided to do a fetal fibronectin test (fFN) to try to predict pre-term labor. Unfortunately, we received a positive result on Saturday. I was given steroid injections Saturday and Sunday to help that baby's lungs develop, in case he does arrive early. Now I am on "modified bed rest."

I am so worried about this little baby that has had to endure so much stress in my womb. I wonder just how this will effect him. I hope and pray that he does not suffer for the trauma of the last two months.

Lazy Sunday

Laundry, dishes, floors, toilets... There is so very much to do around here. I feel like doing exactly none of it. None. I have accomplished nothing today, except sleeping. I slept the day away. It may sound like a nice way to spend your Sunday, but with all the things that I need to do, I am now filled with regret.

I wouldn't have stayed in bed all day had I not been feeling so badly. My back hurts. Really bad. I actually feel like I could go into labor, although at only 31 weeks, I hope not. This is how I felt shortly before I gave birth to Carson, my only spontaneous birth.

The day that will shape our lives forever, final part 5

I guess there has to be an end to that day, that May 5th. It feels as if it has not yet ended.

I asked everyone to leave so that I could have a few minutes alone with Steve. I wanted to love him, to talk to him, to be angry, to connect... There was so much I wanted from those moments that I knew I couldn't get. I wanted to look into his big brown eyes and see that strong spirit, "the force" as he called it. I wanted him to hold me, though I knew he couldn't. I wanted him to tell me that everything would be alright, just as he had done so many times before. I wanted him to just wake up and walk out of there, but that was not to be either.

The nurse came in to talk to me, disturbing the sobs that I had been holding back for hours. I knew that I needed to tell them about my Steve so that they would be able to better care for him. She asked what seemed like a million questions. Does he smoke? Does he drink? To me it seemed that none of that should matter, although intellectually I knew that it did. I wanted her to know that he hated his feet being cold, and always wanted socks. I wanted her to know that we have 3 little boys, with another on the way, and what a wonderful father this man she was caring for is. I thought that somehow I needed to plead his case, that he needed me to advocate for his right to live, for his right to recover. At that point, not a lot of things going on in my mind were making sense.

The nurse was very professional, my cries and pleas didn't seem to change her attitude toward Steve at all, which I know it shouldn't. Once she was done asking me questions, I had the chance to ask her some questions. I don't remember most of my questions, I am sure I made little sense. I do remember the last answer, and I will never, ever forget it. I will never forget the look on her face, or her long blond, braided ponytail, as see said to me, "We don't know when, or if, he will ever wake up." The matter-of-fact tone almost enraged me. Then she walked away, leaving me alone with my Steve.

I pulled a chair close to his beside and took his hand. He had no visible cuts or bruises. If it weren't for all the tubes and IV's, you would have thought he was just sleeping. I cried, and I quietly begged him to wake up. I pleaded and apologized for every harsh word I had ever said to him. I begged God to bring him back. I lost it a little, but quietly. No one in the unit seemed to notice.

Finally, I looked up to find John painfully watching me cry. He came and took my hand and told me that everything was going to be okay. It was time to go. I once again didn't want to leave my Steve, but I knew I had to. John walked me all the way back to the waiting room, where my Mom was waiting for me alone. Everyone else had gone home.

And so, that day, that day that has changed our lives, and will shape our lives forever, was over. The sun was coming up on the next day. So much changed that day.

So what's the point?

So what exactly is the point of my long, long four part story? I really don't know. The truth is, I am not yet far enough removed from the situation to know what the point might be.

Is there a lesson that I should have learned? I don't know that either. I don't think that me or my family did anything to deserve the pain that we have endured the past 5 weeks, especially my children.

The boys break my heart. I see them look at their Daddy in a new way now. Daddy is not invincible. That is a sad reality for little ones to have to face. Connor and Carson will probably not remember any of this, but I fear that Cadan will always remember the pain and the tears.

I cry every single day. I don't want to. I would love to have many days with no tears. Every day is just so damn sad. I know I am lucky that Steve survived such a horrific accident. I know this, but this knowledge does not ease the pain. Oh, yes, and the fact that I am 30 weeks pregnant doesn't help either.

I just crave normalcy. That doing the same thing over and over routine of life. I just want that. Again.

I also don't want my husband to be in such pain, to have double vision. I want to see his smile and hear his normal voice.

I am just too emotional today...